Insomnia

So every night I get in the bed aroun 10pm, and by 12:45 AM I'M STILL AWAKE!!!! I don't know what it is. Maybe too much on my mind, maybe it was the coffee flavored frozen yogurt I had before laying down, I can't call it.

Well, since I'm semi-up, I guess I can catch you up.

So, most of this past weekend was spent staring at the computer per usual. But this time I was working on a fellowship application. I applied to the CSWE Minority fellowship program last year this time, I'm not sure if you remember, I was an alternate, so I decided to try my hand at it again. I think the hard part for me with writing these things is not really having my research topic solidified. I know my special interest area, but it's hard to work that general area into a specific fellowship focus when your very idea lacks specificity. But I toiled and I have something that I'm going to print out tomorrow, send, and pray for the best, as usual.

Oher than that I haven't really done too much else. I have these two grants that I'm assisting on which are pretty cool. One involves engaging men of faith around domestic violence (maybe I've mentioned it before) and a newer one actually gets me to work with my faves: high school teenagers. It's a blessing to have this opportunity because potentially I'll have data to work with to write my dissertation; in case you didn't know, data is a hot commodity around these parts. So I definitely need to give a shout out to God for these opportunities, because everyone is not so lucky. I recognize my blessings.

I just typed a whole next paragraph and lost it, so maybe that's my cue. I need to be up in five and a half hours for class, so I'm going to try one mo'gain at this nite nite thing. Maybe tomorrow I'll pick back up where my technical malfunction cut me off.

Till then, nite all.

Bitter & sweet memories.

I haven't left my house in four days...Not once. You know the drill. Papers. Fellowship application. Focus Group Transcribing. Blah blah blah. Yeah I'm in grinch mode again. Tired. Sick. Sick. Tired. You get it.

So I missed a lot in the past few weeks. Just over a week ago Whitney Houston died. Yup, died. It was pretty surreal. I saw her on tv on a Thursday and then got the word on Saturday
that she was gone. Secretly, I think some of my grinch mode was about being heartbroken and in shock and denial. On Saturday, with everything I had to do, I got my big pink comforter, my box of tissues,and I sat in front of the tv for about four hours with the rest of the world and attended her funeral.

The ceremony was quite beautiful. People shared lots about her and performed and preached. And I watched. Funerals bring up a lot for me. They always make me assess my life and remind me of loved ones that are gone. While I shed tears for Nippy I also let the waterworks flow for missing my dad and my grandma. It was almost as if the sadder it got, the harder it was to turn away. And so I watched on. Ignoring the computer screen and stacks of articles that waited for me. I just watched...Until her purple chromed casket was lifted out of the sanctuary to the melody of "I will always love you". And when it was finally over I just stared. It felt personal.

Needless to say its been a little gloomy and lonely around these parts. I'm sure a part of it has to do with Whitney, but I've been missing my family. I must have called my mom ten times on Saturday just for nothing, but to connect. I've reconsidered being here several times in the last few days, but I know, I know. Turning back now is not really an option.

Excuse all the sad talk and the melodrama, but I guess, hey. Here's to keeping this diary real. It ain't always warm, fuzzy, and delightful. Many days you feel like you just want your life back. Considering what I've just said about death and loss I know that's a weird way to phrase it, but this thing takes a lot out of you. Makes you feel like you're missing life without schoolwork and research. But hey, I know better, ...just sayin.

Anyway, I would be absolutely lying if I left this entry void of the absolute bright spots. I'm still counting down to South Africa. And last week I had one of the BEST surprises of my life...

So last Tuesday was Valentine's Day and you know Tuesdays are my long class days so Miner and I had already discussed that we'd probably have to postpone our celebrating until it was more convenient for both of our schedules. So I thought...

At about 5pm we got dismissed from our Social work education course (all two of us!) and were leaving the building. Little did I know that sitting in the hallway of the Social Work building would be my Valentine! He tricked me all day acting like he was in some training when he actually had it planned for weeks to make my day! Talk about shock. I have never been so surprised. My face was ALL crazy when it finally registered that I was looking at my boo, in the flesh!

We got to go to our favorite restaurant. Watch our Tuesday night show together in person. And I got this fancy iPod touch on which I am currently typing this entry. It was truly a big bright moment in the midst of the madness.

In this second as I recall how happy I was, I'm reminded to give thanks and to remember perspective.

I'm grateful for this little life of mine. Grateful for all who are in it and those who have passed through, including you Whitney! Rest in paradise beautiful lady. We will always love you too.