Over the past few months I could have easily used my clinical skills to self diagnose as showing some symptoms of depression. It was a weird period for me. My sleeping and eating were off. My attitude was funky. I didn't want to be bothered. I was super sensitive and just downright not feeling like myself.
Among the many things looming was the need to prepare for a trip to Texas for the Council on Social Work Education Annual Program Meeting. At this event, social workers and social work educators from around the country gather at a conference designation to share knowledge, offer novel insights into the profession, to have mini reunions, and to have a little nerdy fun. (#Dontjudgeus)
This year, for the second year in a row, I was in attendance as part of the Minority Fellowship Program family and repping HU. I also had been accepted with two of my MFP colleagues to do a presentation as one of the many sessions being held over the weekend.
During the days leading up to the conference, I anticipated APM being a great reprieve from my recent gloom. Although it would take much preparation I looked forward to getting away.
Bright and early on October 30th I boarded a plane to head to all of the festivities. I'm not fond of planes so I was grateful when the wheels hit the tarmac and the conference commenced.
My presentation team landed shortly after I arrived. We gathered at the massive hotel and decided to venture out into Texas a little bit before the five day marathon began.
Let's just say, some bad tacos and a smelly can ride later, we were officially cured of our desire to see more of the Big City.
* * *
One of the blessings of the fellowship is a special schedule of activities during our first full conference day. These events include several presentations and panel discussion by MFP alumnae who graciously share with us their experiences in the profession, their research wisdom, and their advice about life after the Phd. Each year I meet a new group of fellows and see familiar faces that make me feel welcomed and proud of being counted as family among this community.
Over the next few days we attended multiple sessions and receptions, and Howard held a special dinner for those present from our University.
On the third day of the conference, I was blessed to attend a beautiful memorial service for my former professor that I told you about a few months ago. She used to work as part of the host organization for the conference, so they wanted to honor her for her service and celebrate her life. In attendance was her son who gave a heartfelt testimony. Especially since I was not able to attend her home going services in the District, I was extremely grateful that an opportunity presented to show my respects.
As the conference progressed, it became clear that my high heel shoes proved no match for the hikes around the hotel grounds to attend functions. But, I trudged on. A few of my peers and professors had presentations that I attended and then, when Sunday 7:30AM arrived, it was our turn.
Rewind to about 5:45AM, CST, my alarm sounded and I jumped up in beast mode. Trying not to wake my roommate and copresenter who was due to wake up 15 minutes later, I silently scurried around the room getting dressed and doing a last minute run through of my slides. At around 7:10AM I put on my pink blazer with black silky lapel, did a final lint brush and hair check, and made my way to the presentation room.
In the room, I sat nervously among my colleagues. We were second of three groups to present and to our surprise the room was filling with more people than we anticipated for such an early morning session.
I must give thanks to my parents and ancestors for what would shortly transpire in that room. I am clear that my dad's acting training and my mom's years of study of different healing traditions were the forces that propelled me through this out of body experience. On the real, I remember taking the podium...and then I remembered our presentation concluding to the sound of applause and fervent praise for what my crew had just done.
I was humbled and speechless and encouraged. Just a few weeks back I sat in my advisor's office and shared of anxiety and concern about the clarity of my dissertation topic and research questions. I was beginning to second guess myself…This conference came right on time.
There were many people to approach me after the conference to share kind words, and even emails to me and my advisor coming days after we returned from Texas sharing thoughts of praise for our work, and even invitations to come present at other schools.
Beyond the recognition, however, this experience helped to solidify for me that I am standing in my truth. This was extremely BIG for me, especially at a time when I had been feeling really low and out of it, and over it all!
I guess I'm really grateful that I continue to get reminders that everyone goes through valleys, but these valleys can be but temporary experiences on the other side of which exists a testimony.
So, needless to say, I'm still pushing.
Onward towards the end of the semester.
#milestogobeforeIsleep
