We DID IT!!!!!!

About three hours before my scheduled defense, I piled into my neighbor's car along with my mom, my sister, and my fiancé. I sat nervously in the passenger's seat still trying hard to go over my presentation in my head. I oscillated between anxiety and pure exhaustion. I was ready for it to be over.

I got to the room where the defense would take place. I set up my powerpoint, placed my handouts on the table for the committee and other guests, and then put in my headphones. To get in the zone I turned on youtube videos of Dr. Joy Degruy. I find her lectures to be good "hype music" for these types of intense speaking events. I sat in front of the room and stared into the empty seats. I tried hard to figure out how I would begin my defense. I went back and forth between telling another personal story about my experiences in social work and doing something a little more creative. I prepared for both options, but didn't decide until it was go time.

About 15 minutes before we started, the committee and other attendees started filing into the room. I briefly acknowledged everyone, but stayed in my zone until the chair introduced me and declared the defense to begin.

Nervously, I stood before the group, acknowledged the people in the room and then began my spiel. In the moment, I realized I needed something to center me so I decided on going with the creative intro. I shared a poem that I wrote with the room. I knew it was a risk, but it was what I needed to get a flow going. The "Dear Ancestors, Please get well soon" poem that I told you about before helped me to frame the significance of my work around trauma and healing. It was well received. Then I hit the ground running with my slides.

I had soooooo much information to share. I was concerned about going over time, but just had to go for it. I talked my way through the presentation and then the questions began. I got some great feedback about my poem and a mix of tough questions and some that allowed the committee members to just pick my brain about my work. It seemed like this process went on for hours. Most of it I actually can't recall. It was like an out of body experience after a while. I saw people's mouths moving and struggled to stay with them. I was ready to be done.

After about two hours, I was finally excused from the room for their deliberations. I plopped myself down on the red bench in the hall and was surrounded by all my friends and loved ones who came to support. They were talking, sharing kinds words I'm sure, but I was totally out of it…I had dreamt of this moment since the day I walked in for orientation. I couldn't wait to pinch myself on the day I actually took the podium for my final hoorah…and it was finally here. In the midst of the daze I was in seated in that hallway, I inhaled and acknowledged that, after 5 years, the day was finally here.

When my advisor came out to call me back into the room, I took the anxious but excited walk to hear the results. I was eager to hear the official word. When I got in, they closed the door behind me, and all I remember was hearing that I had passed! #Amen #Hallelujah #ThankYouGod!!!!

Teary-eyed, I sat and received notes from the group for my edits. I tried hard to focus on what they were saying, but I was totally distracted by the celebration I was having in my head.

Soon after, the room filled again with my family members and friends and tons of cheers and pictures. With the help of the Creator and all of the people who supported and loved me through this journey, I DID IT!!! WE DID IT!!!!

When we finally peeled ourselves away from the defense room we traveled to a local restaurant to celebrate. Everyone shared their favorite moments and their thoughts and feedback about the experience.

After we finally got home I think I slept for hours and refused to look at that dissertation document for a few days to help myself recover and regroup. The edits and revisions I would do in the days to come were its own beast; they kinda dragged the whole experience on for a few more weeks, but they got done.

For all the anxiety, uncertainty, and frustration that had challenged my faith around completing this process in the time that I had prayed for, it became real to me that when you collaborate with God on something, you best believe mountains will be moved and obstacles destroyed. That day was living proof.

Thank You, God for carrying me through.

We DID IT!!!
Graduation here we come!!!

Reeeeeee-wind

Yeah, it's definitely the end of August and I have absolutely neglected to document the end of my PhD journey. Let's see if I can go back and recapture as much as possible.

#mybad

#leggo

It's about to go doooooowwwwn….

Tomorrow is the BIG day and I'm feeling all sorts of ways. I'm extremely nervous. I'm tired. I've tried to run through my presentation several times and have been totally unsuccessful. I'm overwhelmed. I'm literally feeling it ALL.

I'm trying hard to release and settle into what I know. I trust that it is all within me, but geesh. This is not easy.

BREAAAAAAATHHHHHE!!!

God, I'm just gonna do what I know…PRAY. You know everything that I feel. You know all the thoughts, emotions, this lump in my throat. I surrender it all to you right now. Please comfort and strengthen me. Please provide the right words and go before me and create the right energy in the room and in the committee. Lord, please cover me.

If there is anything that I know from this whole journey, it is that I should trust you…and trust in me. I have arrived at this moment because it is my time. I am capable. I am brilliant. I am articulate. I am ALL that I need. I am whole and complete…and I have you.

So I lay it all down now before You…and I thank you in advance.

Here it goes...

Wow. Just wow…and Thank You!

This past weekend I had the privilege to travel with a group of students from Howard to be inducted into the Edward Bouchet Graduate Honors Society at Yale University. It was an extremely humbling and memorable time.

I met and mingled with scholars across disciplines from about ten other Universities around the country. I learned about research that examines human bones to make determinations about race and mental health. I met a gentleman who is doing work to enhance response to safety alerts in cars. I met a sister whose research enhances the capacity of batteries…brilliant ideas beyond my wildest imagination. And I got to be among the many, presenting my own research to this distinguished group.

I was dog tired, but so excited and proud. I met some great people, and really experienced a defining moment in my PhD experience.

Look what God is doing all en route to the completion of this process. Who would have thunk that all of these blessings would have been granted to me along this journey.

#atalossforwords

Thank You.

Introducing…Dr. Jessica A. Pryce!

I remember when we first met. It was in room 336 and we all sat around the conference-style table anxiously waiting to embark on this academic journey.

There were seven of us then. For various reasons, only two of us now make up our cohort. We have weathered EVERYTHING together.

Today, I witnessed one of THE best oral defenses I have seen here. It was concise. It was informative. It was inspiring. And now, it is finished!

Today, my colleague and dear friend completed one of the last major milestones on the road to graduation. I am SUPER proud.

Please join me in congratulating Dr. Jessica Pryce on a job extremely well done!!

Now, I'm ready.

I have known that my advisor had planned to schedule my defense date for about a month now. I've known for the past two weeks, at least, when the official date was going to be. However, I did not fully own that I was actually graduating until about five minutes ago.

I've been going at it with my documents for the past few weeks. Struggling to make sure that I've given my best and that I accurately honored the voices of the teens who lent their voices to this work. I was unsure and anxious about whether or not what I wrote was good enough. Scholarly enough. Strong enough.

About 140 pages into edits this afternoon I still wasn't convinced, but was trying hard to force a conclusion so I could send it off to the committee.

It wasn't until stepping away and really taking in what this work means and what value is in the messages of those youth that I really felt complete.

Finally, after over 5 years, I feel like I've produced what I came here for.

This is definitely just the brink of another beginning, but I am UTTERLY ecstatic that I can finally feel like "that's a wrap"…well, real soon!

I'm graduating, y'all!!!!

Power in Unpredictability.

Here's a powerful message from the 21-day meditation I have been doing. I place it here just as a reminder for me…and you too.

"Day 17 - Taking Advantage of Unpredictability

“If you put yourself in a situation of unpredictability and then find that it's completely possible to accept it, then you become an observer.” – David Tudor

Today we look at unpredictability in a new light. Typically we find unpredictability stress-inducing because it forces us to move out of our comfort zones of expectations, beliefs, and hopes. A change in plans from what we hoped for is often felt as a disappointment or failure. But if we can see beyond the apparent randomness of life and recognize that a larger purpose is always being served, then we can relax and welcome unpredictability, and observe how we can redirect our efforts to contribute to the bigger picture that is unfolding.

Our meditation today opens our awareness to this grand purpose of the evolving universe and its infinite creative possibilities."

Save the Date.

So, yesterday, I got the official word that my dissertation defense will take place in less than two weeks.

So many emotions, and so much to do, but I really just had to take a moment and take in the fact that IT IS HAPPENING!!

The finish line is nearing. Can't stay here long because I gotta keep pushing, but prayer is definitely welcomed, please and thank you!

#getthiswork

Honored.

Today, I received notice that I will travel to Yale University next week to be inducted into the Edward Bouchet Graduate Honors Society.

This comes at a very critical time for me in this process. It is a reminder of the bigger picture. I am indeed grateful to be included among scholars who represent the legacy of the first African American PhD at Yale. Beyond the academic title, Dr. Bouchet's work with teens at a high school and his by any means necessary commitment to being an educator with integrity really resonates with my spirit. I commit to living up to the honor.

Learn more here: http://gsas.yale.edu/diversity/bouchet-graduate-honor-society

That moment when it starts coming together.

There'a a lot that I could say about what all has transpired over these past few weeks as we are getting down to the wire. Many of them would probably sound like long rants about some pretty frustrating parts of this process, but I have committed to minimizing how much I allow myself to focus on the negative.

What I will say is that today, as I sit in the Atlanta office of one of my dear friends from college, I feel like things are coming together.

After submitting my draft about a month ago, I took a few weeks away from the document to let my mind reset. Just about a week and a half ago, after having received no formal feedback from my committee, I embarked on another review of my data and a fourth go at my analysis. I started to unearth themes and explanatory models began to come alive in ways that really helped me feel like I had conducted a study and developed some important and valuable findings.

For the past half hour, I just sat here and began to type up notes based on recently developed graphs from exploring other features of the qualitative software I'm using (yes, this totally sounds like I'm geeing out…I am). It really helped me feel like things were coming alive; like I could really stand in front of this defense committee and rock out confidently in my work.

I guess that's a pretty important feeling to have just weeks out from graduation…especially when you're not sure when the defense date is…but at least I can rest a little easier and feel more confident in my work.

Write it and Let them Hear You.

Today, after the writing circle on "Writing for publication", I emerged with a commitment to ensuring that I write beyond this degree. No matter what role I assume, whether it be academia, practice, a combination of these roles, or something totally new that I can't even conceive of yet, I will continue to write and share my ideas and perspectives with the world.

A few things my advisor said while facilitating that meeting really inspired me to accept my role and responsibility as a disseminator of knowledge and ideas. I don't remember all of them, but I do recall a moment in the room where I was lost in my own thoughts, pondering this fresh vision of myself as a contributor through my voice and written word.

So, as of today, I vow to use my time on the other side of this degree to finally write down some of the ideas that I have been letting ruminate in my mind. I accept the opportunity to make a difference by adding to the discourse on human life and wellbeing.

Destined.

I keep getting glimpses; powerful images of me in the role I was born to assume. I have a platform, I speak with integrity, my presence connects with people's souls.

This vision is of me doing what I was brought here for. Not to Howard, but to this lifetime.

While anxiety has been rearing its head lately, there's a part of me that knows SO sure that I am walking right into what God has for me. I need not fear.

I just needed to let that out.

Now, to proceed in faith.

#liketheresnootheroption

Aaaaaaaaaaaand SEND!

Today, I submitted a draft of my complete dissertation.

After a grueling two weeks of data analysis, results and discussion & conclusion writing, I have a full document, ready for feedback.

I tell you, man, the closer it gets, the crazier it feels. It won't officially feel real until I hear back from my advisor and we start talking defense dates, but I sure am glad to be on the latter end of this journey.

I'll keep you posted. For now, I'll be getting some rest and doing some planning around next steps.

#exhale

Writing…and writing…and Writing…(and cap and gown fitting)…and Writing!!!

I'm exhausted...But on a mission. For the past two weeks, I've really been working hard to make it all come true. It's grueling. It's hard. It's isolating. It's really a LOT. But that's what I'm here for.

Today, I got a glimpse of the finish line. I got fitted for my graduation robe and cap. It was surreal. I almost cried.

Anyway, I just wanted to check in and let you know where I've been. But for now, I'm gonna get back to writing and finish up strong!

#Operation2015

Bus Ride Revelations.

I really love teaching. It gives me the feeling I used to have when I was working with teens at the high school; I'm really at home in that role. I work really hard at it and it's rewarding. I get to connect and share with people and to challenge myself to make otherwise dense and boring material relatable. It gets me to be creative. To explore various capacities for learning. I love it. I definitely want it to be a part of what I do for the long haul.

Thank you God for giving me that gift.

And finally, it's a wrap!

Well, just on data collection.

Today, I conducted my final interview. After weeks of being nervous that this day wouldn't come in time for me to reach my writing deadlines, I got the call this morning that my final 3 participants were ready to roll. I never took a cab somewhere so fast in my life.

There's definitely another huge milestone ahead (writing my last two chapters), but, hey, we're inching closer.

#thankyouforansweredprayers

Attitude check…one, two, one, two

I felt myself in an awkward space. Uncomfortable and anxious. Desperate to get things done. Concerned about what the future will look like. #Allovertheplace.com.

Right now I re-center. I focus on gratitude. I trust that my steps are ordered. My path is divine.

I remember my dad's mantra: "Keep the faith". My mom's words: "It is already done."

Mother/Father God, thank you for loving me and sticking by me anyway. Even when my attitude is funky and my focus is dispersed on multiple domains of worry instead of confident in Whose I am and in what I know.

I release my attention from other people's journey. I simply settle into me.

Breathe. And just keep swimming.

I hear you God. Loud and clear.

Ohhhhhhh…Got it!

So it just hit me. I've been feeling anxious and unsettled about my research. After the first five interviews I conducted I was starting to second guess this whole operation. My thoughts were everywhere: maybe I didn't really think through my research and interview questions well; maybe I didn't prepare enough for these interviews; maybe I need to go back to the drawing board…

Well, I kinda did need to start over. Sort of.

Tonight, I sat myself down and began re-reading my dissertation proposal. As I was reading, all of these things were standing out to me about the data I just collected. I realized it did make sense why I was asking what I was asking during the interviews. I was gathering important information from those interviews that will help me answer my research questions. Duh!

I just needed to reboot!

I hadn't realized that in all the waiting and running around trying to get all the formalities taken care of, I had gotten so far away from my work that I pretty much forgot what I was doing. I mean, I've been reading articles and doing things to help prep me for data collection and analysis, but I had gotten so far away from my document that I had literally forgotten what I was working towards. I was completely disconnected.

It's funny, I'd been so intimately entangled with writing that damn proposal that after a while I was taking her for granted. I kinda forgot some of her important details; what she was made of.

Well tonight, we're getting re-acquainted. I'm re-reading and centering myself in those 95 pages, so I can move forward.

This is making me feel SO MUCH BETTER!!!!! Whew! I really thought I was heading for a disaster.

But, now, I got it.

I'm back.

Thank God!!!

First Day Jitters

I know, I know. I've been waiting forever for this moment. And today, when it's finally happening, I'm as nervous as all get out.

This afternoon at about 1:30pm, I boarded the bus en route to the first interviews for my study. I was privileged to have five youth to talk to on my first shot, but I was quite nervous and second guessing myself a bit. I worried about my questions. I worried about keeping the attention of my participants. I worried about making sure the recorder didn't fail on me. . . I was a bit of a wreck.

But I survived, and am officially in motion. I'm going to gather myself and just breathe for the rest of the night, but tomorrow I will be in action around starting my transcriptions and data analysis.

Here goes everything!
Your prayers are much appreciated.

Mismatched Shoes and a Broken Hard Drive...Maintaining composure

Recently, when I was still on Facebook I joked about having to look down and make sure my shoes matched in mid-mad-dash to the bus. That time I was lucky.

Today, not so much. I had definitely walked about four blocks from my house before noticing that my feet looked like the picture below.

Let's just say, I definitely got to start my day with a hearty laugh--a laugh that I very much needed to keep me from crying when I realized that just as soon as I had gotten the green light to collect my data, my computer STOPPED WORKING!!!!!!

Thank God for the spirit of composure and faith. As the technician on the phone slowly unraveled bad news about not being sure about being able to save the contents of my hard drive, I was able to hold firmly to the belief that God and the Angels were already in process to work it out. I believed that wholeheartedly and did not allow myself to waver from that belief.

Lets just say, about 6 hours and a genius bar visit at the apple store later, I am happy to announce that I am currently typing this blog on my fixed and restored MacBook Pro. Thank You Jesus and Apple Care!!!

All I'm gonna say is by faith, and a little laughter, I will survive this process.

The horizon is near.

Application APPROVED.

There are no words to really capture the sigh of relief that just escaped my body.

Today, at approximately 4:38pm, I got the email I've been waiting for: IRB application approved.

I can finally start data collection.

HALLELUJAH!!!

Let the real work BEGIN!

Thank YOU LORD!!!

Welcome to your new home Gil and Ryan!

This past week my Maryland family got extended by two new little faces. I just wanted to acknowledge and welcome Gil and Ryan to the Georgia Avenue crew! Thanks for the joy and excitement you have already brought and to the adventures to come.

Love Ya,
Auntie Zu

A teacher/[researcher] only teaches/[researches] what they need to know.

I have cried a LOT these past few weeks. A combination of the winter blues and the heaviness of life had me in a pretty challenging space. Nothing felt right. I felt alone and just kept isolating myself even further to avoid being disappointed or hurt by others. It was pretty dark there.

When I walked in the door from my trip home for the "holidays" I literally fell to my knees in tears and pain. I physically felt sick, but moreso felt like my body was trying to force itself to purge from all the pent up and chaotic emotions.

I share this here not for pity or to put myself on blast, but because I realize how much ALL of this is a part of my process.

This morning, I marched myself back into counseling. I found someone close by that I can speak to and cultivated a safe space for all of my emotions. I eagerly walked the 25 minutes in this freezing cold to the therapist's office because I knew in my heart how much freedom would be on the other side of being able to sit with someone who could hold sacred time for me and my thoughts.

As I prepared to start this counseling process, I was reminded of why I wanted to do the work I'm doing at school in the first place. I really wish to raise awareness about the fact that there are tools and resources out there that can really help us process our pain so we don't have to keep transmitting unhealed wounds onto the next generation.

How timely is it that all of this is happening for me just as I prepare to collect and analyze data about this very topic: healing.

I trust that it is truly divine for me to be right where I am now, with all these feelings and all these transitions and transformations. What a testimony I will have. What powerful work I really feel God is preparing me to share.

This helps me to trust wholeheartedly that God is steering this ship.

God's been here the whole time.