So, I write this post not to salvage the pride that I told yall was kind of compromised two days ago, but because it's important to maintain balance in this lesson and get the full benefit from this experience.
So, yesterday, I went to campus after my class at the University of Maryland to meet with the professor who wanted me to redo the paper. I was really in a space of wanting to understand where I missed the mark so I could really enhance my skills with writing literature reviews. Long story short, as we began to talk, it became clear that some of the information that was expected was actually in my original paper. For each point that she made, I was able to refer to a section in the paper where I had addressed the questions she asked; needless to say, I was a bit perplexed. Not mad, just not clear about the feedback. Anyway, after expressing my concern, we came to the conclusion that maybe she needed to read it again (thoroughly, and not in the middle of the night), and maybe I might not need to rewrite it.
A couple of things: I didn't feel vindicated over her because I was able to demonstrate that I had actually done what was expected, but I learned for myself that I often shortchange my strengths. Because of poor self-confidence in some areas, I am easily willing to take someone's feedback about my work as if it is absolutely accurate, without having faith in my own abilities. Had we not have had this conversation there would have been a piece of me that felt that my deep rooted "not good enough" mantra would have been affirmed, and I would have moved forward with a spirit of doubt about my writing in some way.
When I left the meeting I shared with her that while this may not have been an example of me being a disappointment, or even of me not entirely understanding how to perform the literature review to a high standard, I am committed to hearing from her feedback that could help make this not-so-bad paper even better. I still stand in a place of believing that I have things to learn, but I can also trust that what I already can do is actually not so bad.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Rude Awakening
Transparency, right? Well, today was not one of my finer moments. I actually had a teacher tell me she was disappointed in me. I know right, straight to the heart!
Well, what had happened was, a few weeks ago (you might remember because it was one of the days I was complaining about all the work I had to do) we had a literature review to hand in to her for a class assignment. I knew good and well while stapling those twelve pages in preparation for handing them in that this wasn't my finest work, but there was no time for changes. A part of me was clear that my heart wasn't in the assignment because I felt I hadn't truly had mastery of this important literature review skill, but I had to hand in something. The deadline approached.
This morning, I arrived to class before all two of my other classmates and was in position when my professor walked in the door. I greeted her, and within moments I guess she realized this was a good time to express her discontent before the others arrived. She candidly asked me what happened on the assignment. I was a little caught off guard because it had been a few weeks since I handed it in, so I definitely wasn't ready for that to be the topic of discussion first thing in the morning. After I gathered my pride, I just told her honestly "I'm not really sure". We chatted a bit further before the other students arrived and she graciously offered to meet with me to discuss my lingering questions.
Now, I ain't going to lie...I was crushed. Distracted pretty much for the rest of the day. And when I actually picked up the paper from the office to read the disheartening comments scribbled in blue ink on my title page, it drove the wrench even further.
By about 7:30pm while I waited patiently in the freezing cold for the bus for nearly forty minutes, I noticed that I still felt the sting. Her feelings of disappointment started to manifest in me, and I almost went to town on a pity party. But, then I remembered the bigger picture.
While the comments from my professor initially felt discouraging, I realized that what I had before me was an opportunity to learn a lesson, and an opportunity to meet with my professor to strengthen a skill. She could have failed me, but instead she actually opened the door to an opportunity for me learn what I needed so I could perform at my best. What I heard beyond the harsh words of her response was that she was alerted by the fact that she felt that this paper didn't represent what she knows of me from class, and what she knows I am capable of. So, at the end of the day, I gathered up the pieces of my ego and scheduled a meeting with her for tomorrow.
* * *
This process can truly be a test of humility and pose a challenge to your self-confidence. Typically I might have taken this experience as an opportunity to reinforce feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt, but the growing me won't toy with that enemy today.
I read a friend's blog this evening and will borrow from her words of wisdom as my meditation for the evening:
"Get over your disappointment about what didn't happen the way you wanted it to and begin creating the life you want" - Sallomazing Hralima
Well, what had happened was, a few weeks ago (you might remember because it was one of the days I was complaining about all the work I had to do) we had a literature review to hand in to her for a class assignment. I knew good and well while stapling those twelve pages in preparation for handing them in that this wasn't my finest work, but there was no time for changes. A part of me was clear that my heart wasn't in the assignment because I felt I hadn't truly had mastery of this important literature review skill, but I had to hand in something. The deadline approached.
This morning, I arrived to class before all two of my other classmates and was in position when my professor walked in the door. I greeted her, and within moments I guess she realized this was a good time to express her discontent before the others arrived. She candidly asked me what happened on the assignment. I was a little caught off guard because it had been a few weeks since I handed it in, so I definitely wasn't ready for that to be the topic of discussion first thing in the morning. After I gathered my pride, I just told her honestly "I'm not really sure". We chatted a bit further before the other students arrived and she graciously offered to meet with me to discuss my lingering questions.
Now, I ain't going to lie...I was crushed. Distracted pretty much for the rest of the day. And when I actually picked up the paper from the office to read the disheartening comments scribbled in blue ink on my title page, it drove the wrench even further.
By about 7:30pm while I waited patiently in the freezing cold for the bus for nearly forty minutes, I noticed that I still felt the sting. Her feelings of disappointment started to manifest in me, and I almost went to town on a pity party. But, then I remembered the bigger picture.
While the comments from my professor initially felt discouraging, I realized that what I had before me was an opportunity to learn a lesson, and an opportunity to meet with my professor to strengthen a skill. She could have failed me, but instead she actually opened the door to an opportunity for me learn what I needed so I could perform at my best. What I heard beyond the harsh words of her response was that she was alerted by the fact that she felt that this paper didn't represent what she knows of me from class, and what she knows I am capable of. So, at the end of the day, I gathered up the pieces of my ego and scheduled a meeting with her for tomorrow.
* * *
This process can truly be a test of humility and pose a challenge to your self-confidence. Typically I might have taken this experience as an opportunity to reinforce feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt, but the growing me won't toy with that enemy today.
I read a friend's blog this evening and will borrow from her words of wisdom as my meditation for the evening:
"Get over your disappointment about what didn't happen the way you wanted it to and begin creating the life you want" - Sallomazing Hralima
Monday, March 5, 2012
My Magic Family Affair
Every first Saturday of the month in Brooklyn, the borough's museum hosts a big community party. They have special events and exhibits and it's all free and open to the public. Well this month, the flier advertising the festivities had a very vibrant and familiar face. My big sister was chosen to represent at the museum's celebration of Queens. While the party planners were just doing their jobs, little did they know that organizing this celebration would provide an opportunity for my family to party together.
Crowded in the front space of the museum, more than a thousand people gathered to watch the performance. A few rows were taken up by the likes of my aunts and uncles. My cousins, college girlfriends, and boyfriend took up posts around different sections of the room, and I stood proudly next to a pillar close to the stage, watching and shouting, and cheering and smiling from ear to ear. Not only was I excited about my sister's show, but I was soooooo happy to be around family.
Rewind a few hours and you would have seen the members of the Clinton-Henderson household doing our usual last minute dance to get out the door (late per usual! Don't judge us!). In one section of the house were my nieces fresh from their birthday weekend play date grabbing their shoes and doing their little sister's hair, excited about hanging out late. On another floor was my little sister, just getting in the door from a fashion styling gig, transforming her work clothes into a cute purple and green vintage get-up. Up and down the stairs was my elder brother putting the finishing touches on his own attire (which included a swagged out t-shirt from his personal DrtySlvr clothing line) and making sure that the little ones were ready. And then the matriarch, our fly as can be momma-wearing some fabulous turquoise accents with a beautiful rose colored duster that she just popped the tags off--she led the way out the door with her children and grandchildren in tow.
Ever since I was little, I felt like we had a magic family; times like this bring back the magic for me. In my mind "Magic" captures the essence of how vibrant we are as a team, and how the energy of our family love feels like it can make you float on air, especially when you most need to be lifted from the problems of the world. That magic transcends beyond those of us who are here, and seems to come from some seriously deep rooted place in our family lineage, a place that I'm sure our ancestors curated and continue to nurture for us who are here. I guess being away from home makes reconnecting with the magic that much more meaningful; I still feel charged just reflecting on the night.
At some point after the show we all stood on the stage with my big sister and a huge gathering of people with cameras appeared; they must have felt the same magic emanating from us and wanted to capture the moment as much as I did. My sister electrified the stage and we all celebrated and reflected the glow. It was truly dynamic!
When we finally made it home, the party continued; as we broke dawn we ushered in the 12th anniversary of one our proudest and favorite moments: the birth of the twins! Their tall genes are making it increasingly difficult to distinguish the nieces from the aunt, so before packing my things in preparation for my return to all things school, I tiptoed to an acceptable auntie stature and got to give the proudest auntie hug to two of the most beautiful girls in the world on their birthday. I was sad that I couldn't stay for the traditional celebration that took place later in the day, but shortly before I passed out cold on the bus on the way back to school, I gave thanks for all that I got to experience in the time that I had at home.
What turned into a "magic" family weekend ended up being the perfect way to celebrate before I returned to school to check off some of these assignments from the "Before I go to South Africa Must-Do List". With less than a week before I board, I'm a bit exhausted, but definitely excited about all that's in store.
#sixdaysandcounting
#bestfamilyEVER!
Crowded in the front space of the museum, more than a thousand people gathered to watch the performance. A few rows were taken up by the likes of my aunts and uncles. My cousins, college girlfriends, and boyfriend took up posts around different sections of the room, and I stood proudly next to a pillar close to the stage, watching and shouting, and cheering and smiling from ear to ear. Not only was I excited about my sister's show, but I was soooooo happy to be around family.
Rewind a few hours and you would have seen the members of the Clinton-Henderson household doing our usual last minute dance to get out the door (late per usual! Don't judge us!). In one section of the house were my nieces fresh from their birthday weekend play date grabbing their shoes and doing their little sister's hair, excited about hanging out late. On another floor was my little sister, just getting in the door from a fashion styling gig, transforming her work clothes into a cute purple and green vintage get-up. Up and down the stairs was my elder brother putting the finishing touches on his own attire (which included a swagged out t-shirt from his personal DrtySlvr clothing line) and making sure that the little ones were ready. And then the matriarch, our fly as can be momma-wearing some fabulous turquoise accents with a beautiful rose colored duster that she just popped the tags off--she led the way out the door with her children and grandchildren in tow.
Ever since I was little, I felt like we had a magic family; times like this bring back the magic for me. In my mind "Magic" captures the essence of how vibrant we are as a team, and how the energy of our family love feels like it can make you float on air, especially when you most need to be lifted from the problems of the world. That magic transcends beyond those of us who are here, and seems to come from some seriously deep rooted place in our family lineage, a place that I'm sure our ancestors curated and continue to nurture for us who are here. I guess being away from home makes reconnecting with the magic that much more meaningful; I still feel charged just reflecting on the night.
At some point after the show we all stood on the stage with my big sister and a huge gathering of people with cameras appeared; they must have felt the same magic emanating from us and wanted to capture the moment as much as I did. My sister electrified the stage and we all celebrated and reflected the glow. It was truly dynamic!
When we finally made it home, the party continued; as we broke dawn we ushered in the 12th anniversary of one our proudest and favorite moments: the birth of the twins! Their tall genes are making it increasingly difficult to distinguish the nieces from the aunt, so before packing my things in preparation for my return to all things school, I tiptoed to an acceptable auntie stature and got to give the proudest auntie hug to two of the most beautiful girls in the world on their birthday. I was sad that I couldn't stay for the traditional celebration that took place later in the day, but shortly before I passed out cold on the bus on the way back to school, I gave thanks for all that I got to experience in the time that I had at home.
What turned into a "magic" family weekend ended up being the perfect way to celebrate before I returned to school to check off some of these assignments from the "Before I go to South Africa Must-Do List". With less than a week before I board, I'm a bit exhausted, but definitely excited about all that's in store.
#sixdaysandcounting
#bestfamilyEVER!
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