The Missing Pages

So yes, I know. Some diary this is! Been months since I've recorded and much has definitely happened, including me finishing the first semester (oops!). While part of me wants to make it all a distant memory, I will do my best to catch you up.

To say the least, it was challenging. There were tons of long hours, presentations, papers, tests, tears, anxiety, fun, second-guessing, exhaustion, fear, doubt, faith, and prayer. I often felt the crunch of trying to balance life.

A couple of things were really helpful in getting me through. First, remembering all that happened so that I could be here was an important motivator; I recalled how God rolled out everything I needed, right on time, to set the stage for this experience. This reminded me that being here was no mistake, and that there would be tools planted along the way to see me through to completion. Second, when I would call to whine and complain, Lawrence's curt reminders of this "not being about me" but about those who can be blessed through the fulfillment of this vision encouraged me to keep on pushing. Third, there was a tremendous group of five others who were trudging through with me. My cohort has been such an amazing source of support and extended family in this process. Most talk about the importance of having a group that really looks out for one another, and I definitely found that to be true. The phone calls, the dinners, the venting sessions, the encouragement, the constructive feedback, and the mutual understanding of this hi's and lows of this experience were all elements and characteristics of our group bond that really proved instrumental to realizing the end of this semester (which we often referred to as academic hazing).

Some of the highlights during this time included feeling proud of very solid presentations in my history class, having visits from family and friends, and spending Thanksgiving in Virginia with relatives. I hated that the fun stuff was often minimized by outstanding work to get done, and didn't like the feeling of not being satisfied with work I produced or grades I received. But, by December 9, 2010, it was all over. After a long, and arduous semester, I had turned in every paper, completed every presentation and test, and I exhaled. I didn't know what the end result would be, but I was just glad for a break. I think that night, I fell asleep amidst piles and piles of research articles, fully dressed, and head throbbing from nights of limited or no sleep. If it weren't for having to get on a bus the next day to get to NY for an event, I think I might have stayed in that position for at least a day and a half, comatose.

For moving forward: I did okay for my first shot at being in PhD school. I struggled for a while with being hard on myself, but there's no taking back what's already happened; I can't change a day, or a grade, or a paper, but I can take what I've learned and experienced and set up a new game plan for what's ahead.

I will also be better about keeping this diary! If even to post just a few sentences, I re-commit to really capturing the essence of this experience. I felt bad about having so many missing pages, but some of that was a testament to how deeply submerged I was in the books (the rest was just a testament to how much I start things and don't complete them...hey, the first step is to acknowledge, right?!).

I'm sorry I can't recall very many more details at the moment. Let me just savor the last 12 days of this vacation, and we'll be back together for the first day of part 2: January 10, 2011.

IF ONLY I COULD BORROW DOROTHY'S SHOES

(September 18, 2010. I wrote this a long time ago, just realized it's been sitting in my draft box)

So one of the things I worried about with this whole school experience is having to be further away from my family than the 20 minute train ride that I'd been used to for the past three years. When I thought about being in DC, I feared that if anything ever happened I'd be too far away from home. Well, today, this whole distance thing was put to the test.

After taking my writing exam this morning, I noticed that I'd missed three phone calls and a text message from my sister during the exam. I returned the call only to learn that on my mother's birthday she found out that her best friend and his uncle had been murdered. I froze. Stood still in the middle of campus in a daze, struggling to get my bearings. A rush of feelings surged through my body. I was in disbelief.

One of the victims of this heinous act, happened to be a man who was like an uncle to me. He had just called me a few weeks ago to check in and see how I'd been settling in. He told me how proud of me he was, and encouraged me to do my best. Unbeknownst to me, that would be the last time we spoke.

After hanging up with my sister, all I could think of was being far away from home. In that instant, I wished I had Dorothy's shoes. I wanted to click my heels and just be in the company of my family.

It would be ten hours before I could gather myself, get a bus ticket, and then make it to Brooklyn. At around midnite I finally arrived at home. I hesitated entering the house in anticipation of seeing my mom utterly devastated. To my surprise, the darkness that filled the house was actually to create ambiance for my surprise birthday cake. There's no place like home! I boo hoo cried mixed tears. While I was happy, I was extremely saddened by the reality that lingered in the room, and intermittently showed itself upon my mother's face.

I can't believe they're gone. Quite frankly I'm disgusted and tired of the stories of senseless, violent crimes that I've learned of in the past few months. When will it stop?

I can't say that I didn't reconsider my decision to be away at school because of this experience. I got really sad and scared. everything flashed. All of the excitement and passion that I had was questioned. WHile my faith in God never wavers, I just felt unsure, confused, hurt, ANGRY.

I'm sure there's a bigger picture that we might become privy to in the future, the right now just doesn't feel so great.