Ohhhhhhh…Got it!

So it just hit me. I've been feeling anxious and unsettled about my research. After the first five interviews I conducted I was starting to second guess this whole operation. My thoughts were everywhere: maybe I didn't really think through my research and interview questions well; maybe I didn't prepare enough for these interviews; maybe I need to go back to the drawing board…

Well, I kinda did need to start over. Sort of.

Tonight, I sat myself down and began re-reading my dissertation proposal. As I was reading, all of these things were standing out to me about the data I just collected. I realized it did make sense why I was asking what I was asking during the interviews. I was gathering important information from those interviews that will help me answer my research questions. Duh!

I just needed to reboot!

I hadn't realized that in all the waiting and running around trying to get all the formalities taken care of, I had gotten so far away from my work that I pretty much forgot what I was doing. I mean, I've been reading articles and doing things to help prep me for data collection and analysis, but I had gotten so far away from my document that I had literally forgotten what I was working towards. I was completely disconnected.

It's funny, I'd been so intimately entangled with writing that damn proposal that after a while I was taking her for granted. I kinda forgot some of her important details; what she was made of.

Well tonight, we're getting re-acquainted. I'm re-reading and centering myself in those 95 pages, so I can move forward.

This is making me feel SO MUCH BETTER!!!!! Whew! I really thought I was heading for a disaster.

But, now, I got it.

I'm back.

Thank God!!!

First Day Jitters

I know, I know. I've been waiting forever for this moment. And today, when it's finally happening, I'm as nervous as all get out.

This afternoon at about 1:30pm, I boarded the bus en route to the first interviews for my study. I was privileged to have five youth to talk to on my first shot, but I was quite nervous and second guessing myself a bit. I worried about my questions. I worried about keeping the attention of my participants. I worried about making sure the recorder didn't fail on me. . . I was a bit of a wreck.

But I survived, and am officially in motion. I'm going to gather myself and just breathe for the rest of the night, but tomorrow I will be in action around starting my transcriptions and data analysis.

Here goes everything!
Your prayers are much appreciated.

Mismatched Shoes and a Broken Hard Drive...Maintaining composure

Recently, when I was still on Facebook I joked about having to look down and make sure my shoes matched in mid-mad-dash to the bus. That time I was lucky.

Today, not so much. I had definitely walked about four blocks from my house before noticing that my feet looked like the picture below.

Let's just say, I definitely got to start my day with a hearty laugh--a laugh that I very much needed to keep me from crying when I realized that just as soon as I had gotten the green light to collect my data, my computer STOPPED WORKING!!!!!!

Thank God for the spirit of composure and faith. As the technician on the phone slowly unraveled bad news about not being sure about being able to save the contents of my hard drive, I was able to hold firmly to the belief that God and the Angels were already in process to work it out. I believed that wholeheartedly and did not allow myself to waver from that belief.

Lets just say, about 6 hours and a genius bar visit at the apple store later, I am happy to announce that I am currently typing this blog on my fixed and restored MacBook Pro. Thank You Jesus and Apple Care!!!

All I'm gonna say is by faith, and a little laughter, I will survive this process.

The horizon is near.

Application APPROVED.

There are no words to really capture the sigh of relief that just escaped my body.

Today, at approximately 4:38pm, I got the email I've been waiting for: IRB application approved.

I can finally start data collection.

HALLELUJAH!!!

Let the real work BEGIN!

Thank YOU LORD!!!

Welcome to your new home Gil and Ryan!

This past week my Maryland family got extended by two new little faces. I just wanted to acknowledge and welcome Gil and Ryan to the Georgia Avenue crew! Thanks for the joy and excitement you have already brought and to the adventures to come.

Love Ya,
Auntie Zu

A teacher/[researcher] only teaches/[researches] what they need to know.

I have cried a LOT these past few weeks. A combination of the winter blues and the heaviness of life had me in a pretty challenging space. Nothing felt right. I felt alone and just kept isolating myself even further to avoid being disappointed or hurt by others. It was pretty dark there.

When I walked in the door from my trip home for the "holidays" I literally fell to my knees in tears and pain. I physically felt sick, but moreso felt like my body was trying to force itself to purge from all the pent up and chaotic emotions.

I share this here not for pity or to put myself on blast, but because I realize how much ALL of this is a part of my process.

This morning, I marched myself back into counseling. I found someone close by that I can speak to and cultivated a safe space for all of my emotions. I eagerly walked the 25 minutes in this freezing cold to the therapist's office because I knew in my heart how much freedom would be on the other side of being able to sit with someone who could hold sacred time for me and my thoughts.

As I prepared to start this counseling process, I was reminded of why I wanted to do the work I'm doing at school in the first place. I really wish to raise awareness about the fact that there are tools and resources out there that can really help us process our pain so we don't have to keep transmitting unhealed wounds onto the next generation.

How timely is it that all of this is happening for me just as I prepare to collect and analyze data about this very topic: healing.

I trust that it is truly divine for me to be right where I am now, with all these feelings and all these transitions and transformations. What a testimony I will have. What powerful work I really feel God is preparing me to share.

This helps me to trust wholeheartedly that God is steering this ship.

God's been here the whole time.