Wait, what?...Emergency?

At about 2:15 AM, the fire alarm went off. I did not panic. I did not move. I must have been in my house about ten minutes doing a stand off with the noise before I found my matching track suit, used the restroom, and then went outside.

I passed the stairwell exit right outside of my door to wait it out a few more seconds for confirmation from other "alarmed" neighbors...the halls were bare. I walked further down the hall and peered out the windows outside the elevator doors; they spoke of no frightened residents running across streets, so I moved slowly, the droning still going hard in my ears.

I finally saw others when I reached the fifth floor; their faces signaled that they too had waited it out with me, hoping to avoid the dreadful walk downstairs and outside, mid-sleep.

I didn't want to be a party caught out there by a "false alarm", but I definitely didn't want to be a person wishing that I'd heeded the warning. 11 flights of stairs later I was joined outside by far less people than there are actual residents. We found places to be seated right alongside the "could-be-burning" building and just waited for the noise to stop. No neighborly chit-chatting. We mean mugged and waited for the word to go back inside.

There was one dad who clearly took his cue from the airplane safety handbook; while he was fully clad in his glasses, shorts, t-shirt and flip flops, the pitter patter of little feet slapping against the sidewalk indicated that there was apparently no time for his six-year old twins to get dressed also. But, who am I to judge, my two kids were still inside.

While I waited, seated on a cement slab outside the bank adjacent to my thankfully not burning building, I contemplated the blessings, and the lessons: 1) thank God there are signs of people going inside now, indicating no true cause for alarm, but 2) who am I in the face of danger?

When I walked back into my room, the television was still tuned to the cooking channel that I had originally fallen asleep on. I kid you not, before I could even replace my running gear with pajamas, one of the chefs on Chopped yelled, "fire"; I stared at her burning pan on the stove. Less than two seconds later, the show was interrupted by the screeching noise made when the tv gets interrupted by the "test of the emergency broadcast system".

Hmmmmmm, okay, God.

Tonight, I was a Brooklyn girl, casting off the late night warning as no REAL danger. I like that I wasn't afraid, but I can stand to be better prepared.

To Do List:
Establish my official alarm response plan (including the evacuation of myself AND my cats) Just In Case!


Thanks God for safety!
#idonttakemylifeforgranted

Now...for the difficult task of falling back to sleep.

That Mustard Seed Faith

I left the DMV a few days ago to come home. I knew that returning to NY would be a gamble, a distraction from a lot of pressing things, including my employment mission, but I really just wanted to come home.

Since getting here it's been great just to be with family. Waking up in the house with my mom and siblings, getting to sit front-row like a proud auntie at my nieces' school performance, taking in a Brooklyn-style, free Mos-Def (excuse me...Yasiin Bey) & Brooklyn Philharmonic concert with my big sister, having girl talk with my little sister, eating my brother's home cooking, going to my home church, and getting to spend some time with Lawrence have all comforted my spirit. I needed this break.

While here, however, I had not forgotten about my worries from the last post or my pending exams; I was present to all of that, but chose to not be consumed. As I described last week, even in the midst of some concern, there was a very present sense of faith; confidence that everything was going to be all right.

Well, yesterday morning, before I could officially get the crust out of my eyes, I read my daily devotional and then switched to my gmail account for the rest of my morning routine. I saw an unfamiliar name at the top of my inbox, but caught a glimpse of the greeting; it said: "Hello Zuleka, Congratulations on your selection to receive...". It could have been spam, it could have been another message from the Obama campaign...but, it wasn't.

The remainder of the email caused a slow motion drop to the floor in prayer position; If, I had ten thousand tongues, I could not have said thank you enough. My Council on Social Work Education Minority Fellowship came through!

God is MORE than AWESOME #period

#soooooograteful
#keepbelieving
#itsalreadydone

Hustle Hard

(From Tuesday June 5, 2012) Today, I pounded the pavement. Yup, walked up and down the streets of my neighborhood looking for a JOB. 1st stop: Whole Foods...and then every place I could think to go to try and find work. This student situation puts you in an interesting dilemma. You need to focus on studying, but you have to live. The rent and bills don't just magically disappear. I still have my grant monies and am waiting on a reply from the fellowship I applied for about funding for the upcoming school year...but in the meantime, there's July and August rent, phone, cable, food, and bills. I long ago challenged myself in the area of poverty consciousness; I decided to work at not dwelling on lack, especially when my version of "being without" is comparatively far less difficult than what many have to endure. So today, thanks to the support and accountability of my partner I went from place to place in search of a way...praying the whole time. As I walked from Cake Love to the Civic Building to the local Beauty Supply store, I thought to myself that this feeling was a little unfamiliar. I've been used to working or simply using online services to find work in my professional field, but today was different. I withstood a lot of "No's", but also encountered some very helpful people along the way. By the time I got home, I had information for some promising leads, but found myself in the original dilemma. The truth is, just taking any job would probably not be enough to cover my bills and expenses, and would thus probably consume more time than be productive toward my goals. But I need to do something. There's a part of me that, while going through these motions, really believes that God is going to work something out and very soon. But I don't want to be a watchful waiter. I know prayer without action sometimes produces no outcomes, so I must do my part... I guess I write this entry today really to be sure to include how real it gets sometimes in this process. Hopefully, I will have good news to report soon, but for now, keep a sister in your prayers. #acceptingdonations

I remember what I want to be when I grow up

I just finished watching reruns of A Different World. In one episode, grown-up, flip-glassess-less, professor Dwayne Wayne mentors two court ordered youth participating in a five-day diversion program. Most of the show centered around Dwayne's efforts to talk these two young males off the ledge of hopelessness. In their exchanges, the youth spewed some unfortunately common commentary, reflecting die-for-my-hood and kill-you-dead-with-no-remorse mentalities. In Dwayne's presentation, however, there was a sense of compassion that made it feel as if this wasn't just his on-screen role. I was drawn in by the authenticity of his acting because I felt like he was truly affected by the fact that life had hardened the innocence of these young boys, asphyxiating their capacities to dream, making them believe that there was nothing to live for, and everything worth dying for. This scene took me back for several reasons: 1) the two boys happened to be Kriss Kross from my childhood, pants-backwards, "Jump-Jump" days and 2) they reminded me of the teens who brought me here. I felt myself in Dwayne's character, like it was my responsibility to make a difference; from Dwayne Wayne, I felt strongly that he was committed to making his message live beyond the tv screen. The scene transported me back to my days working in the high school, running groups with members of gangs and having heart-to-hearts with youth who'd been exposed to various dimensions of trauma and pain. I remembered that a commitment to healing was important to me. I remembered the young faces that often flooded with tears when finally trusting in our relationship and seeing our exchanges as opportunities to release. In my job, there were many barriers, just like when Dwayne and Whitley showed up at the home of one of the youth to try and partner with the parent; they were met with vigilant resistance, and had a first-hand encounter with what appeared to reflect part of the source of a social transmission of rage and pain. As the father of the youth reached into his shirt, insinuating that he was making an effort to reach for a gun and ward off the intrusion of these "outsiders", I was reminded of why I want my work to be meaningful to the parent-adolescent dyad, to support efforts to uncover keys to understanding and promoting healing in this pair, and to strengthen the capacity of the Black family to serve as a resource for African-American teens. I was cognizant of my position on the couch watching all of this unfold on the screen. At this time of the year, I'm in an interesting position. With Comprehensive Exams and Dissertation proposal looming, there's much to do academically. I checked my bills lately, and there's much to do financially also. The balance of this student position and the reality of the importance of the "work" makes it so that sometimes I need to really figure out how to use my energy. Watching today's episode sparks my drive for being on the front lines, but also encourages me to push through this program to get the opportunity to make a difference through research and community development. As I begin work on my proposal, today's tv watching definitely helped me think through some of my ideas, but challenged me to think about my commitment. Last year in one of my classes I created the possibility of ensuring that all adolescents have an adult to turn to for guidance, structure, safety, to be heard, and to experience love. How is who I am and what I do each day truly a reflection of my possibility? If it's not, what do I do right now to begin living into who I am?