It seems that just when I need reassurance about this journey, God sends in the reinforcements...
I spent last night trying to force words to magically transfer through my fingertips and onto the computer screen in order to complete my first paper of the semester. After a long weekend at home in NY, I knew I was in for a tough start to the week as I had several assignments to complete in a short period of time--I wasn't mistaken! At about 2:15am I finally dragged my extremely tired body to the bed for a four hour nap. When the alarm went off this morning I definitely wanted to scream.
But I peeled myself up and carried myself up the hill to campus for my 9:10am - 5:00pm school day. I definitely struggled to keep my head from going into a nodding frenzy while in my research class and I just could not imagine how my exhausted body would make it through my second three hour stint; about 15 minutes into my afternoon class, however, I discovered the answer to my exhaustion.
Dr. Halaelvalu Vakalahi walked into our room; a strong build woman wearing a short sleeved white t-shirt and brown flowered print dress took the seat at the head of the class. As she began her lecture it was as if she emerged straight off the pages of the text I had just crammed to read over my Subway lunch before our session. Dr. Valu, as she is called, has spent considerable time investigating and writing about the experiences of women of color in the profession and she graciously came to talk about who she is and the impression she hopes to make in the field. There was something extremely warm and simply human about her; my weary body was gently awakened by the comfort of her presence and the profundity with which she spoke about her passion, commitment, and obligation to serve so that brown girls like me could come up behind. As she talked about the road traveled to her current position as the Director of the School of Social Work at George Mason University, she painted a picture of herself constantly pushing upward and courageously facing obstacles that were intended to serve as barriers; her life, she explained, is simply energized by the idea that "somebody spilled blood for me, so whatever I do, I better come up fighting". To borrow a line from her dialogue, as I listened to her, "my spirit felt like it came home".
Of late, I've been praying about mentorship and really trying to see my way in and through this process. In today's class, I felt as if Dr. Valu's testimony ministered to me in a way that reminded me that my journey, too, has been paved by spilled blood. I have a responsibility to push through.
At the end of the session, I was honored to have our guest sign the Women of Color as Social Work Educators: Strengths and Survival textbook for which she served as an author, and inside she wrote "Zuleka, thank you for inspiring me to continue this journey". I'm happy to know that I was in some way able to return the favor.
"When I dare to be powerful--to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid" --Audre Lorde
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Breathe...Trust...Execute-Leggo!
I know, new semester, and I've already been off my blog grind. I guess one thing I've noticed is that when I get a little out of it, I avoid writing my feelings down, hence my absence for a few weeks. But I know, I do no justice to myself or this diary if I skip out on capturing all parts of this experience.
So, yeah, new semester, five classes, blah, blah, blah. It's been interesting; per usual, I showed up to my first day of class, and there was no one there. Going on three weeks in, I have yet to have a complete week of school; same ole story. Next week will officially start the full load of this final semester. Interestingly enough, I thought being one of two students in a class was awkward, but apparently, I'm the ONLY student in my Monday night course (which explains why no other students were there waiting it out with me when the professor didn't show up on the first day of school-during which it snowed-because she was in South Africa!). Also, at the last minute I had to squeeze in a sixth class to accommodate the requirements for the South Africa alternative spring break. But, school is school, so this courses stuff is not really too surprising, and I get to go to South Africa, so I'm not complaining.
I guess as the second semester of the second year creeps on, sounding the alarm of Comprehensive exams coming shortly and the need to start putting my the ducks in a row for the dissertation process, some not so subtle anxiety definitely starts to surface. As you try to be proactive and prepare, you begin to really grapple with the politics of finishing. There's so many personalities to navigate, and a lot of underground rules of the game to become familiar with; it feels way more overwhelming than you want it to. I know it will work out, but just saying. Trying to chase down and build relationships with already over-booked and ever-busy professors (those that aren't on sabbatical this semester at least) is nerve wracking; juggling academic and personal responsibilities is still challenging; and sometimes the idea of finishing seems way too distant. But hey, at least in talking to other students, you know you're not the only one.
It hasn't all been daunting though, I must be fair. I've volunteered at my first social work conference, I got to have one of my best friends visit from New York, and got to attend a Chrisette Michelle concert and take pics with Elle Varner. My family is still in good health, and my long distance relationship remains in tact and a major source of support. I never forget to give thanks, but I also allow myself the freedom to vent and release.
I know to push through I'll need to do some attitude adjusting over the next few days. I also know that I need to absolutely do better with my health. For some reason I've been having some respiratory issues which probably just reflects the fact that I need to B-R-E-A-T-H-E.
This semester will be like none of the rest, but I must remember that this has ALL been new territory. I know that God has walked the road ahead of me and I trust that in just a few months I'll be able to reflect on how I've overcome. In the mean time, please forgive me for my distance, I'll try my hardest to do much better.
So, yeah, new semester, five classes, blah, blah, blah. It's been interesting; per usual, I showed up to my first day of class, and there was no one there. Going on three weeks in, I have yet to have a complete week of school; same ole story. Next week will officially start the full load of this final semester. Interestingly enough, I thought being one of two students in a class was awkward, but apparently, I'm the ONLY student in my Monday night course (which explains why no other students were there waiting it out with me when the professor didn't show up on the first day of school-during which it snowed-because she was in South Africa!). Also, at the last minute I had to squeeze in a sixth class to accommodate the requirements for the South Africa alternative spring break. But, school is school, so this courses stuff is not really too surprising, and I get to go to South Africa, so I'm not complaining.
I guess as the second semester of the second year creeps on, sounding the alarm of Comprehensive exams coming shortly and the need to start putting my the ducks in a row for the dissertation process, some not so subtle anxiety definitely starts to surface. As you try to be proactive and prepare, you begin to really grapple with the politics of finishing. There's so many personalities to navigate, and a lot of underground rules of the game to become familiar with; it feels way more overwhelming than you want it to. I know it will work out, but just saying. Trying to chase down and build relationships with already over-booked and ever-busy professors (those that aren't on sabbatical this semester at least) is nerve wracking; juggling academic and personal responsibilities is still challenging; and sometimes the idea of finishing seems way too distant. But hey, at least in talking to other students, you know you're not the only one.
It hasn't all been daunting though, I must be fair. I've volunteered at my first social work conference, I got to have one of my best friends visit from New York, and got to attend a Chrisette Michelle concert and take pics with Elle Varner. My family is still in good health, and my long distance relationship remains in tact and a major source of support. I never forget to give thanks, but I also allow myself the freedom to vent and release.
I know to push through I'll need to do some attitude adjusting over the next few days. I also know that I need to absolutely do better with my health. For some reason I've been having some respiratory issues which probably just reflects the fact that I need to B-R-E-A-T-H-E.
This semester will be like none of the rest, but I must remember that this has ALL been new territory. I know that God has walked the road ahead of me and I trust that in just a few months I'll be able to reflect on how I've overcome. In the mean time, please forgive me for my distance, I'll try my hardest to do much better.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Reflecting on the "Already Good" and Giving Thanks for the Right Now!
My bad. So the thing about finals is that once they are officially over, you don't want to see a computer, book, or attempt to write anything that resembles a paper. Unfortunately, that meant that when I handed in my last exam, I never looked back, not even to document the level of excitement and relief that I felt when my third semester was successfully complete.
Two weeks later, while I can still recall the tingle of joy that consumed me, I'm a little far removed from that feeling, especially since I'm transitioning from relief from being done to bracing myself for the beginning of the final semester of coursework.
But before I dive into my thoughts of anticipation, I'll try my best to jot down some memories of this past winter break....
Well, to set off the break I was blessed with door-to-"door" inter-state service; my building just so happened to plan a FREE bus trip to New York that was scheduled for the day after my last exam was due. This 7am free ride was equipped with complimentary treats, including a signature bag complete with thirty dollars worth of gift cards! Happy Holiday to me!
When I arrived in New York, I was greeted by my boo and enjoyed a nice afternoon vegan lunch to kick off the vacation. As always, being home was wrought with a lot of fun, family, little sleep, and a lot of juggling in effort to do as much as possible in less than twenty days. I succeeded at most of the things on my NY to-do list; some of the highlights included getting to attend Christmas performances at my nieces' schools, putting up the tree and decorations with my mom and siblings, hanging with my best friend and college girls, looking down onto New York City from the Top of the Rock (Rockefeller Center) with Law and fam, and bringing in the New Year surrounded by complete strangers while listening to show tunes, and enjoying cool fireworks under the stars at Grand Army Plaza in Brooklyn before heading to my Mama's for our traditional New Year's gathering...and then for two days, in between helping the little ones finish their Winter Break homework, I passed straight out, trying hard to salvage some semblance of rest before returning for this final leg of school.
On a very personal level, this trip was both exciting and everything I expected, but also a little taxing and sad at times. There were several people who passed away just before and after the New Year, including a very close friend of my older sister, who had just spent Christmas with us the year before. It was very challenging to stomach the news of loss and garner the strength to support my sister and others who were also mourning.
However, in the midst of the hard times, I found myself clinging to one of the many gifts from my favorite Kwanzaa-Claus, my mom. Among the stack of treats she shared on Christmas Day was a book wrapped in neat blue, white, and silver festive paper. The book, entitled, Faith and Will by the author of The Artist's Way, Julia Cameron, shared some much needed insight that helped put things in perspective and helped really plant me in a better mindset to deal with the challenging parts of the vacation and my return to school.
Among the many lessons, the author of this text acknowledged that "it is easy to be addicted to anxiety...to make worry our home vibration", but as "God is with us every moment...we can ask for direction at all times"; "when God is in charge, all things are fraught with possibility...out of apparent disaster can come the greatest good".
Inspired to acknowledge and release my own worries, sadness, and anxieties, I opened up to a world of comfort in remembering that God got this, ALL of it. In this moment of welcoming the peace that is ever present because of the existence of God, I found a space for myself to see all that was going on, including the loss and mourning, from a different perspective, one that invited spirit of gratitude to replace my worry and sadness.
While I have officially swapped my metro card for my smart trip pass, and have returned to the DMV for school, in reflection, I've compiled a list of reasons to give thanks: I am grateful for safe travel, for the opportuntiy to have spent quality time with family and to have brought in the New Year with loved ones. I'm grateful that God provided a way for my animals to be taken care of while I traveled home so I didn't have to worry about their well-being or loneliness. I give thanks for having successfully triumphed over another semester of school, with a 4.0 gpa to show for it. I give thanks for being chosen to go to South Africa for the upcoming Spring Break. I give thanks for having friends and others around me who also have testimonies of good news to share about things opening up in their lives, and their ability to get through. And, even in the face of the sad news of her recent passing, I give thanks for the time that God allowed Kibibi Dillon to inhabit this Earth. For allowing my family to enjoy her presence as we celebrated Christmas in 2010, for leading her back to her family where she was able to spend time with her mom and siblings before she transitioned, and for creating the opportunity for her to live her dream, having one of her final "acts" in this world being her performance of stand-up comedy for an audience of people to whom she is sure to have brought joy.
Today, as family and friends have gathered in Cali for her home going celebration, in the spirit of Kibibi's life and commitment to joy and laughter, I take time to honor all of the wonders of life and all of the things, people, and places that have helped me and many others simply smile in the face of it all. Instead of thinking about tomorrow, or planning for next week, I simply take in the now, and give thanks.
"Gratitude...is the ability to see and say thank you for the many gifts in our life as they are unfolding...Gratitude shifts our focus from the negative to the positive...[making] us conscious that life is made of thousands of small variables and that many of those variables are already good". -Julia Cameron
Two weeks later, while I can still recall the tingle of joy that consumed me, I'm a little far removed from that feeling, especially since I'm transitioning from relief from being done to bracing myself for the beginning of the final semester of coursework.
But before I dive into my thoughts of anticipation, I'll try my best to jot down some memories of this past winter break....
Well, to set off the break I was blessed with door-to-"door" inter-state service; my building just so happened to plan a FREE bus trip to New York that was scheduled for the day after my last exam was due. This 7am free ride was equipped with complimentary treats, including a signature bag complete with thirty dollars worth of gift cards! Happy Holiday to me!
When I arrived in New York, I was greeted by my boo and enjoyed a nice afternoon vegan lunch to kick off the vacation. As always, being home was wrought with a lot of fun, family, little sleep, and a lot of juggling in effort to do as much as possible in less than twenty days. I succeeded at most of the things on my NY to-do list; some of the highlights included getting to attend Christmas performances at my nieces' schools, putting up the tree and decorations with my mom and siblings, hanging with my best friend and college girls, looking down onto New York City from the Top of the Rock (Rockefeller Center) with Law and fam, and bringing in the New Year surrounded by complete strangers while listening to show tunes, and enjoying cool fireworks under the stars at Grand Army Plaza in Brooklyn before heading to my Mama's for our traditional New Year's gathering...and then for two days, in between helping the little ones finish their Winter Break homework, I passed straight out, trying hard to salvage some semblance of rest before returning for this final leg of school.
On a very personal level, this trip was both exciting and everything I expected, but also a little taxing and sad at times. There were several people who passed away just before and after the New Year, including a very close friend of my older sister, who had just spent Christmas with us the year before. It was very challenging to stomach the news of loss and garner the strength to support my sister and others who were also mourning.
However, in the midst of the hard times, I found myself clinging to one of the many gifts from my favorite Kwanzaa-Claus, my mom. Among the stack of treats she shared on Christmas Day was a book wrapped in neat blue, white, and silver festive paper. The book, entitled, Faith and Will by the author of The Artist's Way, Julia Cameron, shared some much needed insight that helped put things in perspective and helped really plant me in a better mindset to deal with the challenging parts of the vacation and my return to school.
Among the many lessons, the author of this text acknowledged that "it is easy to be addicted to anxiety...to make worry our home vibration", but as "God is with us every moment...we can ask for direction at all times"; "when God is in charge, all things are fraught with possibility...out of apparent disaster can come the greatest good".
Inspired to acknowledge and release my own worries, sadness, and anxieties, I opened up to a world of comfort in remembering that God got this, ALL of it. In this moment of welcoming the peace that is ever present because of the existence of God, I found a space for myself to see all that was going on, including the loss and mourning, from a different perspective, one that invited spirit of gratitude to replace my worry and sadness.
While I have officially swapped my metro card for my smart trip pass, and have returned to the DMV for school, in reflection, I've compiled a list of reasons to give thanks: I am grateful for safe travel, for the opportuntiy to have spent quality time with family and to have brought in the New Year with loved ones. I'm grateful that God provided a way for my animals to be taken care of while I traveled home so I didn't have to worry about their well-being or loneliness. I give thanks for having successfully triumphed over another semester of school, with a 4.0 gpa to show for it. I give thanks for being chosen to go to South Africa for the upcoming Spring Break. I give thanks for having friends and others around me who also have testimonies of good news to share about things opening up in their lives, and their ability to get through. And, even in the face of the sad news of her recent passing, I give thanks for the time that God allowed Kibibi Dillon to inhabit this Earth. For allowing my family to enjoy her presence as we celebrated Christmas in 2010, for leading her back to her family where she was able to spend time with her mom and siblings before she transitioned, and for creating the opportunity for her to live her dream, having one of her final "acts" in this world being her performance of stand-up comedy for an audience of people to whom she is sure to have brought joy.
Today, as family and friends have gathered in Cali for her home going celebration, in the spirit of Kibibi's life and commitment to joy and laughter, I take time to honor all of the wonders of life and all of the things, people, and places that have helped me and many others simply smile in the face of it all. Instead of thinking about tomorrow, or planning for next week, I simply take in the now, and give thanks.
"Gratitude...is the ability to see and say thank you for the many gifts in our life as they are unfolding...Gratitude shifts our focus from the negative to the positive...[making] us conscious that life is made of thousands of small variables and that many of those variables are already good". -Julia Cameron
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