Act like there's no other option.

This morning I spoke with my mentor.

I talked with her about my experiences so far with the dissertation process and asked for advice about how to approach the remainder of the process.

In so many words her advice to me was: "Act as if there's no other option but to graduate in May 2015".
Those words shut down my whole ambivalence operation and helped me to firmly claim what it is that I desire. It helped me to choose not be distracted or consumed by what's going on, or not going on, related to my dissertation progress, and to get in gear for beast mode.

So, when you see me over these next few months, just know that I'm on a mission.

#NOotheroption

Relinquish your attachment to the outcome.

I keep getting the message that if you are so attached to the outcome of something, you can miss out on the bigger picture.

A part of me is resisting the message. Another part of me is confused about how to wrap my head around what this really means, and how to apply it to what's going on right now.

I fully believe in attracting what you want and asking God to provide, so my prayers have definitely been about a May 2015 graduation. My actions have been following suit because "prayer/faith without work is dead". But this whole idea of getting things to work out for a May completion has really been challenging me. I feel like becoming so focused on things falling into place for graduation has made the process appear really tormenting and frustrating.

In the past two months, I have sat outside of people's offices for hours, pleaded for committee members to read and respond to my emails so I could have forward movement, and tried to network as much as possible to get what I needed to make deadlines. It has been exhausting. I'm pretty certain that this knot in my stomach is the result of all these things.

Each time I get close to a deadline and things seem to derail, I feel scared and borderline defeated. This has definitely been the case today.

I got an email this afternoon that made me worried about getting my candidacy application in on time to be eligible for this year's commencement. As I read the words on the email, I felt myself kind of crumble on the inside. All of that work to get things in to IRB for their last scheduled meeting, and it appears that things did not go as planned. I was crushed.

After a moment of wishing that my eyes had not seen what they did, I tried to regroup and figure it out. That message about not being attached to the outcome resurfaced, but all I could think of was what hurdles I might need to jump to make things work. I strategized in my head. I made one phone call that I hoped would get me some answers, but there was no answer on that line.

The rest of the day, there was a part of me that felt like I my dreams were escaping me. But there was an even stronger part that wanted to fight to push forward. Tomorrow, I will definitely do what I can to figure things out, but I know deep inside that the pursuit of this goal should feel freeing and not like this kind of battle.

"If we use any mental strain or effort trying to manifest our intentions, it doesn’t help – the tension will only delay and constrict the manifestation of desire."

That which is mine, destined for me, is already written. I know I have to relax into the plan for the divine, but the human part of me just has to acknowledge these feelings so they are not all suffocated on the inside.

I'm still praying and doing my best, but today, I just needed to say:

This is hard.

Proposal Defended. IRB Complete.

After all the hype and anticipation around getting to the day of my proposal defense, I almost can't believe it has taken me this long to write this post.

Last week, today, I successfully defended my dissertation proposal. I was energized, charged, ready to go…and then, as if in the blink of an eye, it was over. Just like that.

I can loosely recall the details, because this experience was definitely up there among the "out-of-body" type, but I'll gather as much of a recap as I can below.

The morning of the defense, I got there about two hours early. I prepped the room, seated myself in front, and went into my zone. I listened to Dr. Joy Degruy's speeches in my headphones to get pumped up and prepared for the onslaught of questions that I had been anticipating. The time quickly approached for things to begin.

Just as quickly as we started, it was over.

I gave my spiel and then navigated two rounds of questions from my committee. At first, I wasn't so confident. I wasn't sure if the answers coming out of my mouth were coherent or if they were even directly addressing what I was asked. But I shortly settled into myself. I focused enough to hear and process what they were asking and then, with as much confidence as I could muster, I simply said what I thought.

When it was all over, I got really good feedback from my peers and from the faculty. It was nice to hear, but if I'm being honest, I definitely rummaged through my memory of the experience and scrutinized my performance for several hours, if not days, after it was done.

Ultimately, I concluded that I am proud of myself. I know I worked really hard to prep for that moment--let alone to even get to the place where there was a written proposal worthy to defend.

When it was all done, I was in this weird space--somewhere between celebrating and charging full speed ahead to the next step of the process. Maybe that's why it was hard for me to even think about writing this until today.

This afternoon, I finally marched my IRB packet down to the office to signal the completion/beginning of another huge step en route to the finish line.

I feel a little weird. I'm exhausted. I've been sick and watching nothing but television for the past few days. Part of me feels like my body just needed to exhale and release without worrying about anything academic oriented for a little while. But even in rest, you never fully take a break. I came to the conclusion today that maybe it just won't feel fully good or exciting until it's really, REALLY done.

I definitely don't want to rush my research and limit the contribution that it can make, but there's also a part of me that simply wants to be finished with school. I feel like it's really my time to transition from being a student to something else.

In the meantime, though, I won't miss out on the opportunity to say "Thank You" to God for ushering me through that experience.

Proposal = Successfully completed

Job. Well. Done.

Twas the night before the proposal defense...

It is finally almost here. In just about twelve hours I will stand before my committee and do what I have been preparing for…defend my proposal.

As you can imagine, there's definitely anxiety.

I've been going over my slides, reading my material, and just trying to make sure I know as much as possible. Unfortunately, it kinda feels like my brain can't digest anymore…and I'm not really sure what it is that I "know" at this second, but deep down in there I trust that everything will be well.

My colleagues and friends have been sending messages of support all weekend, including one that just touched my heart: "Praying for u Z, the universe is conspiring in your favor, tomorrow has been written as a success."

I needed that. Just in that moment.

Earlier, today, one of my mentors left me a voice message reminding me that I don't have to look at tomorrow as "defending" anything, but can think of it as just sharing my work. I plan on taking that into my day. I'm just showing up to share.

Anyway, I'm gonna go make sure my things are packed and prepare to rest.

Sending prayers to God and the angels to be with me tomorrow; to go before me and make the path smooth. To cover the space and the people who will be in it. So be it.

And so it is.

Talk to you tomorrow!