So yes, I know. Some diary this is! Been months since I've recorded and much has definitely happened, including me finishing the first semester (oops!). While part of me wants to make it all a distant memory, I will do my best to catch you up.
To say the least, it was challenging. There were tons of long hours, presentations, papers, tests, tears, anxiety, fun, second-guessing, exhaustion, fear, doubt, faith, and prayer. I often felt the crunch of trying to balance life.
A couple of things were really helpful in getting me through. First, remembering all that happened so that I could be here was an important motivator; I recalled how God rolled out everything I needed, right on time, to set the stage for this experience. This reminded me that being here was no mistake, and that there would be tools planted along the way to see me through to completion. Second, when I would call to whine and complain, Lawrence's curt reminders of this "not being about me" but about those who can be blessed through the fulfillment of this vision encouraged me to keep on pushing. Third, there was a tremendous group of five others who were trudging through with me. My cohort has been such an amazing source of support and extended family in this process. Most talk about the importance of having a group that really looks out for one another, and I definitely found that to be true. The phone calls, the dinners, the venting sessions, the encouragement, the constructive feedback, and the mutual understanding of this hi's and lows of this experience were all elements and characteristics of our group bond that really proved instrumental to realizing the end of this semester (which we often referred to as academic hazing).
Some of the highlights during this time included feeling proud of very solid presentations in my history class, having visits from family and friends, and spending Thanksgiving in Virginia with relatives. I hated that the fun stuff was often minimized by outstanding work to get done, and didn't like the feeling of not being satisfied with work I produced or grades I received. But, by December 9, 2010, it was all over. After a long, and arduous semester, I had turned in every paper, completed every presentation and test, and I exhaled. I didn't know what the end result would be, but I was just glad for a break. I think that night, I fell asleep amidst piles and piles of research articles, fully dressed, and head throbbing from nights of limited or no sleep. If it weren't for having to get on a bus the next day to get to NY for an event, I think I might have stayed in that position for at least a day and a half, comatose.
For moving forward: I did okay for my first shot at being in PhD school. I struggled for a while with being hard on myself, but there's no taking back what's already happened; I can't change a day, or a grade, or a paper, but I can take what I've learned and experienced and set up a new game plan for what's ahead.
I will also be better about keeping this diary! If even to post just a few sentences, I re-commit to really capturing the essence of this experience. I felt bad about having so many missing pages, but some of that was a testament to how deeply submerged I was in the books (the rest was just a testament to how much I start things and don't complete them...hey, the first step is to acknowledge, right?!).
I'm sorry I can't recall very many more details at the moment. Let me just savor the last 12 days of this vacation, and we'll be back together for the first day of part 2: January 10, 2011.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
IF ONLY I COULD BORROW DOROTHY'S SHOES
(September 18, 2010. I wrote this a long time ago, just realized it's been sitting in my draft box)
So one of the things I worried about with this whole school experience is having to be further away from my family than the 20 minute train ride that I'd been used to for the past three years. When I thought about being in DC, I feared that if anything ever happened I'd be too far away from home. Well, today, this whole distance thing was put to the test.
After taking my writing exam this morning, I noticed that I'd missed three phone calls and a text message from my sister during the exam. I returned the call only to learn that on my mother's birthday she found out that her best friend and his uncle had been murdered. I froze. Stood still in the middle of campus in a daze, struggling to get my bearings. A rush of feelings surged through my body. I was in disbelief.
One of the victims of this heinous act, happened to be a man who was like an uncle to me. He had just called me a few weeks ago to check in and see how I'd been settling in. He told me how proud of me he was, and encouraged me to do my best. Unbeknownst to me, that would be the last time we spoke.
After hanging up with my sister, all I could think of was being far away from home. In that instant, I wished I had Dorothy's shoes. I wanted to click my heels and just be in the company of my family.
It would be ten hours before I could gather myself, get a bus ticket, and then make it to Brooklyn. At around midnite I finally arrived at home. I hesitated entering the house in anticipation of seeing my mom utterly devastated. To my surprise, the darkness that filled the house was actually to create ambiance for my surprise birthday cake. There's no place like home! I boo hoo cried mixed tears. While I was happy, I was extremely saddened by the reality that lingered in the room, and intermittently showed itself upon my mother's face.
I can't believe they're gone. Quite frankly I'm disgusted and tired of the stories of senseless, violent crimes that I've learned of in the past few months. When will it stop?
I can't say that I didn't reconsider my decision to be away at school because of this experience. I got really sad and scared. everything flashed. All of the excitement and passion that I had was questioned. WHile my faith in God never wavers, I just felt unsure, confused, hurt, ANGRY.
I'm sure there's a bigger picture that we might become privy to in the future, the right now just doesn't feel so great.
So one of the things I worried about with this whole school experience is having to be further away from my family than the 20 minute train ride that I'd been used to for the past three years. When I thought about being in DC, I feared that if anything ever happened I'd be too far away from home. Well, today, this whole distance thing was put to the test.
After taking my writing exam this morning, I noticed that I'd missed three phone calls and a text message from my sister during the exam. I returned the call only to learn that on my mother's birthday she found out that her best friend and his uncle had been murdered. I froze. Stood still in the middle of campus in a daze, struggling to get my bearings. A rush of feelings surged through my body. I was in disbelief.
One of the victims of this heinous act, happened to be a man who was like an uncle to me. He had just called me a few weeks ago to check in and see how I'd been settling in. He told me how proud of me he was, and encouraged me to do my best. Unbeknownst to me, that would be the last time we spoke.
After hanging up with my sister, all I could think of was being far away from home. In that instant, I wished I had Dorothy's shoes. I wanted to click my heels and just be in the company of my family.
It would be ten hours before I could gather myself, get a bus ticket, and then make it to Brooklyn. At around midnite I finally arrived at home. I hesitated entering the house in anticipation of seeing my mom utterly devastated. To my surprise, the darkness that filled the house was actually to create ambiance for my surprise birthday cake. There's no place like home! I boo hoo cried mixed tears. While I was happy, I was extremely saddened by the reality that lingered in the room, and intermittently showed itself upon my mother's face.
I can't believe they're gone. Quite frankly I'm disgusted and tired of the stories of senseless, violent crimes that I've learned of in the past few months. When will it stop?
I can't say that I didn't reconsider my decision to be away at school because of this experience. I got really sad and scared. everything flashed. All of the excitement and passion that I had was questioned. WHile my faith in God never wavers, I just felt unsure, confused, hurt, ANGRY.
I'm sure there's a bigger picture that we might become privy to in the future, the right now just doesn't feel so great.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
It'(wa)s My Birthday!!!!
(September 16, 2010)
So I turned 29, and Howard University thought it not robbery to give me class...ALL DAY! While I initially did not feel excited about having to celebrate most of the day in school, it actually turned out to be pretty eventful.
In the morning, in lieu of class, I got to attend a conference on trauma and the brain where I learned some pretty amazing things about our human makeup. I know this does not sound like exciting birthday fun, but the things I learned will really help build a solid foundation for the work that I intend to do. Trust me.
In the afternoon, while I was bracing myself for the return of last week's dreaded paper, I got gift number two: she didn't grade them and won't return them until next week! Happy birthday to me! On top of that we got to spend half of our class attending a lecture in the law school by Shirley Sherrod! Mrs. Sherood discussed her recent experience of injustice at the hands of the USDA and talked about her history of activism. Her inspirational testimony about leadership and determination really encouraged me to keep pressing my way through.
After a very intellectually stimulating morning, I did spend the evening having some more typical birthday fun. I got treated to a lovely birthday dinner and topped the night off enjoying live music in DC (thanks L-boogie!).
Keeping in the tradition of my Aunt Kim who encourages us to celebrate our birthdays all month long, I continued into Friday by attending a conference at the Congressional Black Caucus where Susan Taylor and Malaak Compton Rock were among the panel of guests talking about creating safe communities for our young girls...and then I had an exam Saturday morning! Back to reality!
While I was sad about not being at home for my traditional celebration with the family, God definitely gave me a special day (and had me in DC where I was able to dodge the horrific tornado that tore through Brooklyn, sorry BK!). Big shout out to my family and friends who sent lots of long distance love and presents!
In the midst of it all, it is tremendously important to celebrate life and give thanks.
To The Creator: You gave me life. Reflecting on this truth alone makes me well up with tears of gratitude. You formed me in thought then molded a plan for me to be here in flesh; strategically placed the people and experiences that would contribute to making me, ME. Indebted gratitude-eternally. Thanks Creator for my BIRTH...DAY!
BTW...that paper I was stressing about...just got it back today (9/23/10)...I GOT AN A!!!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEEEEE!
So I turned 29, and Howard University thought it not robbery to give me class...ALL DAY! While I initially did not feel excited about having to celebrate most of the day in school, it actually turned out to be pretty eventful.
In the morning, in lieu of class, I got to attend a conference on trauma and the brain where I learned some pretty amazing things about our human makeup. I know this does not sound like exciting birthday fun, but the things I learned will really help build a solid foundation for the work that I intend to do. Trust me.
In the afternoon, while I was bracing myself for the return of last week's dreaded paper, I got gift number two: she didn't grade them and won't return them until next week! Happy birthday to me! On top of that we got to spend half of our class attending a lecture in the law school by Shirley Sherrod! Mrs. Sherood discussed her recent experience of injustice at the hands of the USDA and talked about her history of activism. Her inspirational testimony about leadership and determination really encouraged me to keep pressing my way through.
After a very intellectually stimulating morning, I did spend the evening having some more typical birthday fun. I got treated to a lovely birthday dinner and topped the night off enjoying live music in DC (thanks L-boogie!).
Keeping in the tradition of my Aunt Kim who encourages us to celebrate our birthdays all month long, I continued into Friday by attending a conference at the Congressional Black Caucus where Susan Taylor and Malaak Compton Rock were among the panel of guests talking about creating safe communities for our young girls...and then I had an exam Saturday morning! Back to reality!
While I was sad about not being at home for my traditional celebration with the family, God definitely gave me a special day (and had me in DC where I was able to dodge the horrific tornado that tore through Brooklyn, sorry BK!). Big shout out to my family and friends who sent lots of long distance love and presents!
In the midst of it all, it is tremendously important to celebrate life and give thanks.
To The Creator: You gave me life. Reflecting on this truth alone makes me well up with tears of gratitude. You formed me in thought then molded a plan for me to be here in flesh; strategically placed the people and experiences that would contribute to making me, ME. Indebted gratitude-eternally. Thanks Creator for my BIRTH...DAY!
BTW...that paper I was stressing about...just got it back today (9/23/10)...I GOT AN A!!!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEEEEE!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Writer's Block
So last week I pulled my first all-nighter! It was my first doctoral level paper for my History and Philosophy of Social Welfare class. I think a mix of anxiety and trying to do way too much got the best of me. All the paper asked was for me to give my opinion about the English Poor Laws. MY OPINION! I froze; could not string together a simple few paragraphs of coherent thought.
This feeling brought me back to a couple of places. For one thing, I always go through this same drama in school when it comes to papers. It seems like an instantaneous physical blockage just wells up in my throat when its time to articulate my thoughts, especially if someone will be grading me.
I remember having this feeling for the first time when I was in high school. At twelve years old, I went away to boarding school in Massachusetts with a few thousand other students from around the world. While I had graduated valedictorian from my junior high school, and had been a high honors student my entire early academic career, I struggled to find my voice. I was used to getting good grades through memorizing and regurgitating information, but I had not spent much time really learning how to think critically and come up with my own ideas about things. It was new and challenging to me to learn to flex this muscle, especially amongst classrooms full of other kids who made it look so easy. High school was definitely the start of a struggle with writing; my first English paper at school had me in the same knots I had this past week, only that time I was trying to organize my opinion about the book "The Giver".
I remember vividly having a conversation with my high school physics teacher who kindly informed me that my academic achievements were not due to natural intellect, but to working twice as hard as my peers. While I knew clearly that his comments were an ill-intentioned attempt to discredit the 96 average that I had in his class, I cannot say that this conversation did not further encourage the "I'm not good enough" mantra that I've often played for myself; somewhere along this journey I began to fertilize the thought that my academic success was predicated on grave struggle, not natural gifts. This week I clearly saw how badly I need to transform this thinking.
At around 12am the Wednesday before my Philosophy paper was due, I definitely felt that surge of inadequacy. No matter how hard I tried, I could not produce a document that I thought would qualify as a doctoral level paper. I really felt like I didn't have it in me, and I was embarrassed that what I would hand in at 2pm would leave my professor feeling the same way.
After a shower and a series of short naps, I broke dawn. As the sun crept up I pieced together whatever I had, put a title and reference page on it, and set out the door to face the wrath.
My first class was at 9:30 that morning and I just knew I was going to be late. I made it to the door of the building where my class was being held at 9:34 am, ready for my walk of shame. I opened the creaky door in the old school building, and to my surprise, there was NO ONE in the class; no students or professor. I just knew I screwed up. I was convinced that everyone else had arrived on time and I was missing out on an important field trip. I frantically started making phone calls to see if there was an email or something that I missed, but before long the sound of the door announced the arrival of my professor.
Turned out that this same paper that had me a wreck, contributed to some variation of challenges for the rest of my classmates as well. I ended up being in my first class with the professor alone for at least an hour before my colleagues showed.
Over lunch my classmates and I discussed the challenges we ALL had with the Poor Laws project. I definitely wasn't alone.
While I still handed in a paper that I didn't stand behind 100%, it definitely did not mean that I was a failure or incapable. I had my moment, and I'm sure it won't be the last, but I'm still standing.
For now, I'm just bracing myself for the dreaded return.
This feeling brought me back to a couple of places. For one thing, I always go through this same drama in school when it comes to papers. It seems like an instantaneous physical blockage just wells up in my throat when its time to articulate my thoughts, especially if someone will be grading me.
I remember having this feeling for the first time when I was in high school. At twelve years old, I went away to boarding school in Massachusetts with a few thousand other students from around the world. While I had graduated valedictorian from my junior high school, and had been a high honors student my entire early academic career, I struggled to find my voice. I was used to getting good grades through memorizing and regurgitating information, but I had not spent much time really learning how to think critically and come up with my own ideas about things. It was new and challenging to me to learn to flex this muscle, especially amongst classrooms full of other kids who made it look so easy. High school was definitely the start of a struggle with writing; my first English paper at school had me in the same knots I had this past week, only that time I was trying to organize my opinion about the book "The Giver".
I remember vividly having a conversation with my high school physics teacher who kindly informed me that my academic achievements were not due to natural intellect, but to working twice as hard as my peers. While I knew clearly that his comments were an ill-intentioned attempt to discredit the 96 average that I had in his class, I cannot say that this conversation did not further encourage the "I'm not good enough" mantra that I've often played for myself; somewhere along this journey I began to fertilize the thought that my academic success was predicated on grave struggle, not natural gifts. This week I clearly saw how badly I need to transform this thinking.
At around 12am the Wednesday before my Philosophy paper was due, I definitely felt that surge of inadequacy. No matter how hard I tried, I could not produce a document that I thought would qualify as a doctoral level paper. I really felt like I didn't have it in me, and I was embarrassed that what I would hand in at 2pm would leave my professor feeling the same way.
After a shower and a series of short naps, I broke dawn. As the sun crept up I pieced together whatever I had, put a title and reference page on it, and set out the door to face the wrath.
My first class was at 9:30 that morning and I just knew I was going to be late. I made it to the door of the building where my class was being held at 9:34 am, ready for my walk of shame. I opened the creaky door in the old school building, and to my surprise, there was NO ONE in the class; no students or professor. I just knew I screwed up. I was convinced that everyone else had arrived on time and I was missing out on an important field trip. I frantically started making phone calls to see if there was an email or something that I missed, but before long the sound of the door announced the arrival of my professor.
Turned out that this same paper that had me a wreck, contributed to some variation of challenges for the rest of my classmates as well. I ended up being in my first class with the professor alone for at least an hour before my colleagues showed.
Over lunch my classmates and I discussed the challenges we ALL had with the Poor Laws project. I definitely wasn't alone.
While I still handed in a paper that I didn't stand behind 100%, it definitely did not mean that I was a failure or incapable. I had my moment, and I'm sure it won't be the last, but I'm still standing.
For now, I'm just bracing myself for the dreaded return.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Make Them Hear You!
So, I have a few posts that I need to make so this can be a comprehensive journal. My bad on being delayed, yall. It's been a busy two weeks....So let's just date this one...September 2, 2010.
So, it's Wednesday about 1:30 pm or so, and I'm home because I don't have class. Of course I have five piles of schoolwork around me. While I'm reading, I start hearing a set of sirens. Now, I'm from Brooklyn, so sirens sometimes seem just like a part of nature's music - I pay no further attention. About an hour later, I notice that I'm still hearing sirens. They might have been going on the whole time, but, again, I'm from Brooklyn, didn't notice. About two hours later, I'm like, wait, something must be going on. Initially, I get excited because I just know that what I'm hearing is probably a sign that the man himself, Mr. President Obama, is rolling through my neighborhood. I rush to my window, ready to see the motorcade...and it's just regular cop cars...but like 80 of them! Uh, oh! I turn on CNN and see images that look way too familiar...IT'S MY NEIGHBORHOOD! At the bottom of the screen I learn that there is a hostage situation happening just down the block from me. Go figure. I haven't even been here a month!
Apparently someone was VERY unhappy with the Discovery Channel, so he took over their building...
It's very interesting the different ways that people choose to take a stand for something. While I in no way endorse this man's behavior, and definitely believe there were grave mental health issues, I considered that, in some way, he might have thought that his actions would be the best way to draw attention to environmental issues and encourage Discovery to reconsider the way it does programming.
In class the other day we were talking about how you make an impact in the Social Work profession. In particular, we were discussing how dependence on theories can help and hinder progress in the profession. We explored the ways that theory provides a framework for understanding phenomenon, and we talked about how reliance on antiquated theories, based on research that has not included oppressed and marginalized populations, can stunt the progress of the profession. We looked at this article that my professor wrote about domestic violence as an example. In her research she posed the idea that traditional frameworks for understanding and researching domestic violence often exclude the voices and experiences of women of color. After conducting research using focus groups with African American women from Harlem, she was able to demonstrate that because African American women perceive and define domestic violence different than other populations, it is likely that existing research and treatment modalities will not reflect the experience of this population and therefore would not lead to the development of effective interventions. I thought about how critical this perspective is to the healing work that needs to happen in our communities. I wondered, and asked, what it would take for work like that of my professor to penetrate the existing body of work that people in this profession acknowledge as critical theory? How long before our experiences become part of the main dialogue instead of a peripheral afterthought?
I thought about the stand that this professor and many others like her take often as they conduct rigorous research in effort to give voice to the voiceless and lay the groundwork for effective practice in our communities. While her research article did not draw a parade of cop cars and distracting sirens, I hope that it will make a loud enough noise to cause others to pay attention.
So, it's Wednesday about 1:30 pm or so, and I'm home because I don't have class. Of course I have five piles of schoolwork around me. While I'm reading, I start hearing a set of sirens. Now, I'm from Brooklyn, so sirens sometimes seem just like a part of nature's music - I pay no further attention. About an hour later, I notice that I'm still hearing sirens. They might have been going on the whole time, but, again, I'm from Brooklyn, didn't notice. About two hours later, I'm like, wait, something must be going on. Initially, I get excited because I just know that what I'm hearing is probably a sign that the man himself, Mr. President Obama, is rolling through my neighborhood. I rush to my window, ready to see the motorcade...and it's just regular cop cars...but like 80 of them! Uh, oh! I turn on CNN and see images that look way too familiar...IT'S MY NEIGHBORHOOD! At the bottom of the screen I learn that there is a hostage situation happening just down the block from me. Go figure. I haven't even been here a month!
Apparently someone was VERY unhappy with the Discovery Channel, so he took over their building...
It's very interesting the different ways that people choose to take a stand for something. While I in no way endorse this man's behavior, and definitely believe there were grave mental health issues, I considered that, in some way, he might have thought that his actions would be the best way to draw attention to environmental issues and encourage Discovery to reconsider the way it does programming.
In class the other day we were talking about how you make an impact in the Social Work profession. In particular, we were discussing how dependence on theories can help and hinder progress in the profession. We explored the ways that theory provides a framework for understanding phenomenon, and we talked about how reliance on antiquated theories, based on research that has not included oppressed and marginalized populations, can stunt the progress of the profession. We looked at this article that my professor wrote about domestic violence as an example. In her research she posed the idea that traditional frameworks for understanding and researching domestic violence often exclude the voices and experiences of women of color. After conducting research using focus groups with African American women from Harlem, she was able to demonstrate that because African American women perceive and define domestic violence different than other populations, it is likely that existing research and treatment modalities will not reflect the experience of this population and therefore would not lead to the development of effective interventions. I thought about how critical this perspective is to the healing work that needs to happen in our communities. I wondered, and asked, what it would take for work like that of my professor to penetrate the existing body of work that people in this profession acknowledge as critical theory? How long before our experiences become part of the main dialogue instead of a peripheral afterthought?
I thought about the stand that this professor and many others like her take often as they conduct rigorous research in effort to give voice to the voiceless and lay the groundwork for effective practice in our communities. While her research article did not draw a parade of cop cars and distracting sirens, I hope that it will make a loud enough noise to cause others to pay attention.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Dulce Far Niente!
So, I officially had my first experience of passing straight out, face down, in the middle of my books! I don't know when it happened, but I was reading, and then all of a sudden it was hours later. Maybe I'm a little tired!
Did I mention there's a lot of reading to this thing!
I officially need a break (I know, I know, I just got started), so let's talk about something else for a bit. This weekend I had the pleasure of having my older sister, Queen Godis, visit with me. Since I refuse to be all nerd and no play, I took the liberty to have FUN! We kicked the weekend off with a little sunbathing, courtesy of the fabulous rooftop pool at my residence, and then hit the town of DC.
During this extravaganza, thanks to my sister, I met some pretty amazing friends and fellow DMV residents. On Saturday, we hung out in Columbia Heights and then ventured over to Adams Morgan for crepes and to peruse some of the local shops. On Sunday, we returned to Columbia Heights for a phenomenal brunch prepared by a sister whose poetic proficiency showed up everywhere, from the colorful decor of her home to the way she created magic with organic ingredients! Can you say scrumptious! What I found particularly delicious, however, was the way that one woman's kindness created a space for sisters to gather and celebrate the tremendous blessing of being sisters, biological and otherwise.
After filling our bellies with food and laughter, we headed over to Malcolm X park to participate in the traditional Drum Circle. The dancing and rhythmic honoring of our ancestors through the collaboration of instruments transported me to a world that .... almost made me forget that I had mounds of work waiting for me at home. Instead of leaving, though, I reminded myself that I committed to having a balanced life on this journey that included fun and experiences outside of my academic program. So I stayed, danced some more with my sister, friends, and cousins and then .... went to the movies. The 12:15AM showing of Eat, Pray, Love. I know I was pushing it, but I wanted to really seize the moment of having my sister here and spend as much quality time with her as I could. It was well worth every last second.
A couple of things from the movie reminded me of the importance of taking time to have fun and enjoy life. Although I have chosen to be in a rigorous academic program, and must make adjustments to incorporate the "what it takes" to successfully complete Howard, I also acknowledge that this is my life. In all that I do, I choose to be balanced, so along this journey I am comfortable knowing that this will include being diligent with work, having fun with great people, and sometimes just enjoying "dulce far niente", the sweetness of doing nothing!
.....but for now, BACK TO WORK!
Did I mention there's a lot of reading to this thing!
I officially need a break (I know, I know, I just got started), so let's talk about something else for a bit. This weekend I had the pleasure of having my older sister, Queen Godis, visit with me. Since I refuse to be all nerd and no play, I took the liberty to have FUN! We kicked the weekend off with a little sunbathing, courtesy of the fabulous rooftop pool at my residence, and then hit the town of DC.
During this extravaganza, thanks to my sister, I met some pretty amazing friends and fellow DMV residents. On Saturday, we hung out in Columbia Heights and then ventured over to Adams Morgan for crepes and to peruse some of the local shops. On Sunday, we returned to Columbia Heights for a phenomenal brunch prepared by a sister whose poetic proficiency showed up everywhere, from the colorful decor of her home to the way she created magic with organic ingredients! Can you say scrumptious! What I found particularly delicious, however, was the way that one woman's kindness created a space for sisters to gather and celebrate the tremendous blessing of being sisters, biological and otherwise.
After filling our bellies with food and laughter, we headed over to Malcolm X park to participate in the traditional Drum Circle. The dancing and rhythmic honoring of our ancestors through the collaboration of instruments transported me to a world that .... almost made me forget that I had mounds of work waiting for me at home. Instead of leaving, though, I reminded myself that I committed to having a balanced life on this journey that included fun and experiences outside of my academic program. So I stayed, danced some more with my sister, friends, and cousins and then .... went to the movies. The 12:15AM showing of Eat, Pray, Love. I know I was pushing it, but I wanted to really seize the moment of having my sister here and spend as much quality time with her as I could. It was well worth every last second.
A couple of things from the movie reminded me of the importance of taking time to have fun and enjoy life. Although I have chosen to be in a rigorous academic program, and must make adjustments to incorporate the "what it takes" to successfully complete Howard, I also acknowledge that this is my life. In all that I do, I choose to be balanced, so along this journey I am comfortable knowing that this will include being diligent with work, having fun with great people, and sometimes just enjoying "dulce far niente", the sweetness of doing nothing!
.....but for now, BACK TO WORK!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Planting the Seeds of Commitment and Completion
During my first day of class this past Tuesday the professor talked about the type of diligence it takes to make it through this level of academia. As she rattled off a list of qualities that might render you out of your league, I made mental notes of all of the personal characteristics that I have that weren't necessarily fitting in with the "what it takes". If I'm being honest, reading for school is not my favorite past-time, I am not known to be on time, I procrastinate, and I haven't really been the self-starter. I get lazy and looove to sleep. (For those of you who might want to encourage me right now by recalling all of the ways you've known me to be opposite of what I'm describing, save yourself the trouble. I've been fooling you too).
No worries, I am NOT feeling inadequate. I am just taking an honest look at who I've been in my life so that I can prepare for where I'm going. As the professor continued yesterday with the lesson/introduction to the course, I actually noticed that I wasn't distracted, daydreaming, or thinking about lunch or the nearest exit out of the program. I was very engaged and stimulated by the conversation about what I can get, and give, to this program, to the profession, and to the community. I got excited, and I noticed my transformation beginning.
On Wednesday morning, the very same person who doesn't like to get up early or read extensive academic material, got up at 5 am, no alarm, and began my day. Now, when my eyes first opened and I looked at the clock, I did initially think "what is this, a trick?" (phrase courtesy of L.Miner), but then I asked myself, "who am I going to be in this process?" So, at 5 am, I got up and took care of business. I did some reading, and prepared myself to get to campus to take care of outstanding things from my "to-do" list. Once there, I took care of my medical hold (I HATE NEEDLES), visited the campus library, and took a tour of the school museum. I printed reading material and basically got myself organized to get things done.
Today, as I sat for my second day of classes, I was still driven by the same momentum. I had to pinch myself at one point because I felt I might have been making strange gazes at the professors; I was just so happy to be sitting across from Professors, black, female, PhDs, who are my reflection. In my History & Philosophy of Social Welfare class, as my professor spoke, I felt as if I was transported to a porch in the South and sitting at the knee of a relative who was sharing old stories about our heritage. For the entire six hours of classes today, I was really in it.
I won't lie and act like there weren't times during the day when I had to quiet the voice inside my brain that kept analyzing EVERYTHING I said, but as I acknowledge it, I also release the strongholds of my self-doubt.
When I came home, I was perusing facebook and this video caught my attention. http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1524731795634 (Please pause and watch)
This spoke very directly to me. It reinforced the discussion I had with myself about who I'm going to be in this process.
Right now, as I sit amongst my books and planner on the floor of my bare living room (I still haven't furnished yet, don't judge me!), I know that I'm committed to being a contribution. I "[will not] let my dreams fall asleep" - (John Banzai and Les Nubian).
Stay tuned......
No worries, I am NOT feeling inadequate. I am just taking an honest look at who I've been in my life so that I can prepare for where I'm going. As the professor continued yesterday with the lesson/introduction to the course, I actually noticed that I wasn't distracted, daydreaming, or thinking about lunch or the nearest exit out of the program. I was very engaged and stimulated by the conversation about what I can get, and give, to this program, to the profession, and to the community. I got excited, and I noticed my transformation beginning.
On Wednesday morning, the very same person who doesn't like to get up early or read extensive academic material, got up at 5 am, no alarm, and began my day. Now, when my eyes first opened and I looked at the clock, I did initially think "what is this, a trick?" (phrase courtesy of L.Miner), but then I asked myself, "who am I going to be in this process?" So, at 5 am, I got up and took care of business. I did some reading, and prepared myself to get to campus to take care of outstanding things from my "to-do" list. Once there, I took care of my medical hold (I HATE NEEDLES), visited the campus library, and took a tour of the school museum. I printed reading material and basically got myself organized to get things done.
Today, as I sat for my second day of classes, I was still driven by the same momentum. I had to pinch myself at one point because I felt I might have been making strange gazes at the professors; I was just so happy to be sitting across from Professors, black, female, PhDs, who are my reflection. In my History & Philosophy of Social Welfare class, as my professor spoke, I felt as if I was transported to a porch in the South and sitting at the knee of a relative who was sharing old stories about our heritage. For the entire six hours of classes today, I was really in it.
I won't lie and act like there weren't times during the day when I had to quiet the voice inside my brain that kept analyzing EVERYTHING I said, but as I acknowledge it, I also release the strongholds of my self-doubt.
When I came home, I was perusing facebook and this video caught my attention. http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1524731795634 (Please pause and watch)
This spoke very directly to me. It reinforced the discussion I had with myself about who I'm going to be in this process.
Right now, as I sit amongst my books and planner on the floor of my bare living room (I still haven't furnished yet, don't judge me!), I know that I'm committed to being a contribution. I "[will not] let my dreams fall asleep" - (John Banzai and Les Nubian).
Stay tuned......
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
My First Day of School!
In May 2005, I took an oath (to myself) that I would never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever ( say it like Chris Tucker) go back to school AGAIN! August 24, 2010... here I go again, and this time it's the big one!
So, here I am, fresh out of my first day of class as a PhD student at Howard University...I have an intense pressure headache in the middle of my forehead, and I'm ready for nite nite! Did I mention, I only had one class today!
Nonetheless, I am very excited. I boldly took on this adventure during the winter of 2009 when I set out to write and revise (and revise and revise) my personal statement. Stepping out purely on faith I submitted my application, and took my GRE's, on the absolute last day possible to get everything in ... and then I waited.
In July of 2010, it all came together. While in my cousin's car, after driving around DC and Maryland for hours trying to find a place to live, I got the phone call from school informing me that I would receive full tuition and a stipend enough to live in the Maryland apartment of my dreams (the very one that I am typing this blog from right now). It was as if I scripted and starred in the entire thing myself; well, in my prayer journal, I actually did. God directed the whole production.
So, here I am. This first entry is going to be short and to the point (practice for how we have to write in school) because I want to get a head start on some homework - yes, homework already. But I am truly excited about school and taking on this endeavor of chronicling this process.
As my professor for Social Work Research methods reviewed the syllabus today, I was really enthused about the possibility of learning in a way that I haven't before. I got inspired by the thought of being able to critically examine things, and by the possibility of becoming an expert in the Social Work field that could truly make the difference I've been yearning to make in my 9 - 5s for the past five years. I grew thrilled by the vision of being able to sit at the head of a class someday with the privilege of educating others. I am definitely back in the game ... AND I'M READY!
My notes for the day:
Remember who I am, and WHOSE I AM!
This is not about letter grades and people pleasing, this is about personal, intellectual, and professional growth BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY!
I can create the possibility of greatness and just BE.
Take care of myself mentally, physically, and spiritually!
Believe in the power of my voice and know that I have something to say.
I AM A POWERFUL CONTRIBUTION!
Let's get it on!
Stay tuned....
Oh, btw - don't look for a grammatically perfect blog. This is my free space to just be self-expressed, so ... don't judge me. I'll get enough of that in school!
Thanks!
Smooches
So, here I am, fresh out of my first day of class as a PhD student at Howard University...I have an intense pressure headache in the middle of my forehead, and I'm ready for nite nite! Did I mention, I only had one class today!
Nonetheless, I am very excited. I boldly took on this adventure during the winter of 2009 when I set out to write and revise (and revise and revise) my personal statement. Stepping out purely on faith I submitted my application, and took my GRE's, on the absolute last day possible to get everything in ... and then I waited.
In July of 2010, it all came together. While in my cousin's car, after driving around DC and Maryland for hours trying to find a place to live, I got the phone call from school informing me that I would receive full tuition and a stipend enough to live in the Maryland apartment of my dreams (the very one that I am typing this blog from right now). It was as if I scripted and starred in the entire thing myself; well, in my prayer journal, I actually did. God directed the whole production.
So, here I am. This first entry is going to be short and to the point (practice for how we have to write in school) because I want to get a head start on some homework - yes, homework already. But I am truly excited about school and taking on this endeavor of chronicling this process.
As my professor for Social Work Research methods reviewed the syllabus today, I was really enthused about the possibility of learning in a way that I haven't before. I got inspired by the thought of being able to critically examine things, and by the possibility of becoming an expert in the Social Work field that could truly make the difference I've been yearning to make in my 9 - 5s for the past five years. I grew thrilled by the vision of being able to sit at the head of a class someday with the privilege of educating others. I am definitely back in the game ... AND I'M READY!
My notes for the day:
Remember who I am, and WHOSE I AM!
This is not about letter grades and people pleasing, this is about personal, intellectual, and professional growth BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY!
I can create the possibility of greatness and just BE.
Take care of myself mentally, physically, and spiritually!
Believe in the power of my voice and know that I have something to say.
I AM A POWERFUL CONTRIBUTION!
Let's get it on!
Stay tuned....
Oh, btw - don't look for a grammatically perfect blog. This is my free space to just be self-expressed, so ... don't judge me. I'll get enough of that in school!
Thanks!
Smooches
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