...and then there's Summer School!

The tricky thing about this academic experience is that even when there's a break, there's no REAL break. After a few days at home in New York, I've returned to jump right back in. For the next two weeks I'll be taking an intensive Qualitative Research seminar, and I must say that, in spite of regular classes being over, this course is not the only thing that feels intense right now.

I'm convinced that sometimes you feel unprepared for the emotional roller coaster of this academic experience. For me, right now I feel like there was this huge anticipation of a sense of relief to come at the end of the semester; my body and mind are struggling to grasp the fact that I will probably not experience this expected sense of reprieve. There's the nervous wait for grades, the unsettled feeling of trying to figure out how to meet your needs after the stipend stops, and the necessity of switching gears to a self-initiated summer schedule that involves continuing to stay in the books and prepare for Qualifying exams in August. All along the way, you absolutely second guess why you're here.

There's this inner tantrum happening for me right now. It's as if I want to be in my own world, where I answer to no one and move at my own pace. Of course, once summer hits, the demands on your time increase as those in your life who understand "summer vacation" in its traditional sense expect that you now have a freedom that classes didn't permit. I intended on joining this 90-day challenge over the summer to continue the energy of the Self-love challenge, but just days in, I had to submit my resignation because I felt like I didn't have the energy to participate in the challenge as it was designed. Because of school I have to prioritize even my summer time differently. I hesitated to tell the organizer and my group about my decision because I felt like I was just giving up. As much as I thought I could just jump right in after school was officially done, I really felt like I was forcing myself to be prepared for something that my body just felt like it wasn't ready to do.

There's this part of me that feels like my insides need to catch up with the reality of my circumstances; while there is an official ending to this first year, my body feels like it's suspended in this weird zone, waiting for some type of closure. It's almost like a bad break up, you just want that one more conversation to make you feel like what you went through has been validated, peace has been made, and you are free to start a new chapter from a place of power. At first I thought maybe I'm just still tired; maybe my body has not been restored from those last few late night pushes to the finish line. However, in talking to my colleagues, many of them are also going through some bizarre withdrawal, emotional confusion, and burnout.

I am not committed to staying in this space, but I just really needed to acknowledge the feelings, let them know, that I know, that they're there. To myself, I acknowledge that where I am in this very moment, is quite alright....but I'm definitely not staying here...especially since I have summer school in the morning!