Just One A Dem Days

Tonight we had a presentation for the school to share reflections from our experiences in Cape Town. All day, I was a little out of it. I'd been working on papers non-stop (which is why I haven't completed the second part of my South Africa blog) and had a meeting this morning, and then attended someone else's dissertation proposal defense...I was on overload. I knew the time was approaching for our presentation, and although I had written notes for what I was going to say, I felt quite unprepared. I went back and forth with the idea of finding a quiet space in the building to get my thoughts together so I wouldn't fumble or have regrets...but I just couldn't. A part of me just wanted to trust that the words would come...I was a little skeptical...and then it was too late. Everyone was in position; the slideshow began and I was number 13 to come up and talk to the group about the two slides that I contributed to reflect the highlights of my experience. I sat in the audience, slightly nervous as the time slowly crept upon my turn. I was multi-tasking from my seat, trying to listen and give full attention to my peers while simultaneously working to whip up a speech in my head. I went back and forth between listening and writing with my thoughts, until it was finally my turn... The walk to the front was slightly an out-of-body experience. Literally. It was like the part of me that was afraid stayed back in the seat to watch. I guess the part that mattered the most, however, was what actually made it to the stage...my soul showed up in front of those who'd gathered and began to pour from the heart to the audience that had kind of magically disappeared from my vision until it was over. The two pictures that I had in the show were of me and one of the young women we met, Gugu, and an image that I found on the internet that reminded me of the powerful photo I saw at the apartheid exhibit about which I wrote the poem. The gist of what God whispered into my ear was this discussion about journeying home, and meeting some of the humble warriors who are agents of change. I talked about how Gugu and I connected both as professionals and spiritually, and then presented the poem to pay homage to the ancestors who, like the woman in the photo, risked their lives that we might survive...it's almost pointless to try and re-capture, but I guess it was a pivotal moment in this PhD experience for me, because it felt like my time to really share a part of me with this school community that I've been a part of for nearly two years. Fatigued as all get out, I felt truly energized by the love in the room that I had something to do with generating. I was humbled by the reception in the crowd to my sharing, but in reflecting on my journey to South Africa for this presentation, I had a cathartic moment that made my discussion about this feeling of coming home take dual meaning. While in theory I was referencing what felt like a pilgrimage for me to home soil (my Africa), I also felt in the moment like I was coming present to myself, to who I am in this learning experience, and I was vulnerably sharing that among my colleagues and the staff and Deans of the school. I know they tell you to undress the crowd with your eyes, but by the end, I was the one, totally bare. Before closing, I realized that the part of me that initially took a back seat and watched me nervously take the stage had arrived to meet me podium...by the end, it just felt WHOLE! I was home...in my own skin...talking about journeying home...to where my flesh was born. It made it that much more special to look up as I was walking out the room to go home and see two of my BEST friends/family from elementary school. Justin and Maurice came to visit!!!! We went to BusBoys and Poets, shared laughs and memories...It just felt like one of those perfect days, where everything just feels good, and you truly feel good about who you are.