I'm secretly getting frustrated with myself...maybe, not so secretly. I guess when you know that you are the only thing in between yourself and at least a second draft of this dissertation proposal, you wake up everyday with the intent to make today THE day that you get your stuff together. But, there's always something.
Last week it was running errands for the final event for the grant; then I had to go a funeral in New Jersey; then I had to take every item out of my cabinets in the kitchen and bathroom areas for the building pest control; then I had to put all the stuff back; then I had to go to a meeting for the Research department; then I had to do a conference call with my fellowship Director, in between all of this I'm on Facebook or the phone talking to everyone about all of the ways that they're distracted by their own life problems, then there's any and every single last little thing that happens in between 7am and midnite when I'm officially too tired to even try to read or write anything.
Translation: I'M STILL WORKING ON THE SAME FRICKIN REVISIONS THAT I STARTED AT THE BEGINNING OF THE SEMESTER.
I feel a mix of things most days: 1) I'm not working hard enough; 2) I NEED HELP and am having trouble because I'm constantly working in isolation; 3) This is just all part of the process 4) If something doesn't give, I'M NEVER GOING TO FINISH!!!!
Today, as we hit near 90 degrees in April, and all the sandals and sundresses came out, it hit me that I am approaching my third rotation of the seasons in this place. While I soaked in the cheeriness of the sun, I also freaked out a little bit.
I mean, in my heart I truly believe that it will all work out, but I'm just looking forward to the point when I feel like I'm really in a groove. Cuz this other piecemeal writing stuff I got going on is for the birds.
I know a part of the work that I need to do involves relinquishing worry and better balancing my energy and my time. I guess I'm struggling some with listening inward and figuring out my own rhythm. Like, when do I work best and what elements do I really need to get writing? Is it the stoic stiffness of a library, or just creating a structured environment at my desk or study room in the complex that will do the trick ...Or do I need to go on a talk and tv fast? I DON'T KNOW!!!!
Maybe I just need to start somewhere. I committed to my accountability group last weekend that I would just set small goals each day. Tomorrow I'm really going to get up and do that.
I can say, that I've been doing a little bit better toward my health goals. I started the squat challenge (Lawd Gee-Sus my thighs been on FIRE!!!) and I did a little juicing and a nutritious summer salad meal today. Go Me! Baby steps.
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I must say, I feel a little bit better now that I actually wrote all these scattered thoughts out. #exhale
Anywho...I need to do my wind down ritual so I can go at it all again tomorrow.
Wish me luck...better yet, PRAY FOR ME!
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