It's 2am and I can't sleep. I'm up rummaging through every task and every emotion that has crowded my life for the past two weeks.
My thoughts are on family, on teaching my class, on submitting a draft of chapter three in four days, on preparing my home for my friends visit, and on navigating it all.
This past weekend I "couldn't figure out" why I slept for over ten hours straight, still waking up exhausted and needing a nap in the middle of the day. I'm fatigued, emotionally drained, but still trying to hold it together and keep pushing.
Part of me thinks it's the October blues. You know as jackets start coming out and the semester really starts sinking in, you feel like time is flying but the to do list is growing immensely. Yeah, October.
In it all I acknowledge my humanity. I'm one person and there's lots to do. On the other hand I encouraged myself to strive. This is what I've signed up for, so sucking it up and getting it done is in order. I guess my truth is somewhere in the balance of those worlds. Yeah, "balance"...Must be nice.
While seemingly unrealistic in my own current life, balancing it all was the gist of the very speech I gave to my students a few weeks back in preparation for the quiz that we had last week. I tried to warn them, moreso encourage them to get organized and in a space where last minute studying wouldn't give rise to anxiety and overwhelm. I'm sure many of them tried to take heed, but probably ended up right where I feel like I am now, trying to breathe and figure out how to do it all.
Pretty soon I will have a 7am wake up call in preparation for the litany of things I need to accomplish to stay on track for the week ahead. As it stands now, wide awake and typing this blog, I'm already behind and one of two things are likely: I will snooze and regrettably start later than desired, or I'll wake up at 7 and push myself into exhaustion like last time.
I guess my hope is that writing these thoughts down at this hour will help get them off the hamster wheel that is my brain right now and clear up space for me to rest so I can prayerfully see the dawn of a new day and a new chance to go at it all again.
So now, I release all of the worries I had to prayer. I ask God to cover those that I was thinking about and to pour out some blessings all over this place for people who are struggling with seeing only the suffering in their circumstances and who are seated on the brink of a loss of hope. This includes family, my students, and those around the country battling through this government shutdown and the associated furloughs and suspensions of pay (yes, by the way that's been happening here in the US for the past few weeks. SMH). I surrender it all and make space for faith. For peace of mind. For joy and for the comfort of God's love and assurance.
I wouldn't trade one second of what I've been given. I transform my thinking right now from a place of anger and frustration to trusting in the series of testimonies that have already brought me through many Octobers already. I rest peacefully now being reminded and assured that it is ALL already done.
Amen,
And hopefully good night.
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