We DID IT!!!!!!

About three hours before my scheduled defense, I piled into my neighbor's car along with my mom, my sister, and my fiancé. I sat nervously in the passenger's seat still trying hard to go over my presentation in my head. I oscillated between anxiety and pure exhaustion. I was ready for it to be over.

I got to the room where the defense would take place. I set up my powerpoint, placed my handouts on the table for the committee and other guests, and then put in my headphones. To get in the zone I turned on youtube videos of Dr. Joy Degruy. I find her lectures to be good "hype music" for these types of intense speaking events. I sat in front of the room and stared into the empty seats. I tried hard to figure out how I would begin my defense. I went back and forth between telling another personal story about my experiences in social work and doing something a little more creative. I prepared for both options, but didn't decide until it was go time.

About 15 minutes before we started, the committee and other attendees started filing into the room. I briefly acknowledged everyone, but stayed in my zone until the chair introduced me and declared the defense to begin.

Nervously, I stood before the group, acknowledged the people in the room and then began my spiel. In the moment, I realized I needed something to center me so I decided on going with the creative intro. I shared a poem that I wrote with the room. I knew it was a risk, but it was what I needed to get a flow going. The "Dear Ancestors, Please get well soon" poem that I told you about before helped me to frame the significance of my work around trauma and healing. It was well received. Then I hit the ground running with my slides.

I had soooooo much information to share. I was concerned about going over time, but just had to go for it. I talked my way through the presentation and then the questions began. I got some great feedback about my poem and a mix of tough questions and some that allowed the committee members to just pick my brain about my work. It seemed like this process went on for hours. Most of it I actually can't recall. It was like an out of body experience after a while. I saw people's mouths moving and struggled to stay with them. I was ready to be done.

After about two hours, I was finally excused from the room for their deliberations. I plopped myself down on the red bench in the hall and was surrounded by all my friends and loved ones who came to support. They were talking, sharing kinds words I'm sure, but I was totally out of it…I had dreamt of this moment since the day I walked in for orientation. I couldn't wait to pinch myself on the day I actually took the podium for my final hoorah…and it was finally here. In the midst of the daze I was in seated in that hallway, I inhaled and acknowledged that, after 5 years, the day was finally here.

When my advisor came out to call me back into the room, I took the anxious but excited walk to hear the results. I was eager to hear the official word. When I got in, they closed the door behind me, and all I remember was hearing that I had passed! #Amen #Hallelujah #ThankYouGod!!!!

Teary-eyed, I sat and received notes from the group for my edits. I tried hard to focus on what they were saying, but I was totally distracted by the celebration I was having in my head.

Soon after, the room filled again with my family members and friends and tons of cheers and pictures. With the help of the Creator and all of the people who supported and loved me through this journey, I DID IT!!! WE DID IT!!!!

When we finally peeled ourselves away from the defense room we traveled to a local restaurant to celebrate. Everyone shared their favorite moments and their thoughts and feedback about the experience.

After we finally got home I think I slept for hours and refused to look at that dissertation document for a few days to help myself recover and regroup. The edits and revisions I would do in the days to come were its own beast; they kinda dragged the whole experience on for a few more weeks, but they got done.

For all the anxiety, uncertainty, and frustration that had challenged my faith around completing this process in the time that I had prayed for, it became real to me that when you collaborate with God on something, you best believe mountains will be moved and obstacles destroyed. That day was living proof.

Thank You, God for carrying me through.

We DID IT!!!
Graduation here we come!!!