Transparency, right? Well, today was not one of my finer moments. I actually had a teacher tell me she was disappointed in me. I know right, straight to the heart!
Well, what had happened was, a few weeks ago (you might remember because it was one of the days I was complaining about all the work I had to do) we had a literature review to hand in to her for a class assignment. I knew good and well while stapling those twelve pages in preparation for handing them in that this wasn't my finest work, but there was no time for changes. A part of me was clear that my heart wasn't in the assignment because I felt I hadn't truly had mastery of this important literature review skill, but I had to hand in something. The deadline approached.
This morning, I arrived to class before all two of my other classmates and was in position when my professor walked in the door. I greeted her, and within moments I guess she realized this was a good time to express her discontent before the others arrived. She candidly asked me what happened on the assignment. I was a little caught off guard because it had been a few weeks since I handed it in, so I definitely wasn't ready for that to be the topic of discussion first thing in the morning. After I gathered my pride, I just told her honestly "I'm not really sure". We chatted a bit further before the other students arrived and she graciously offered to meet with me to discuss my lingering questions.
Now, I ain't going to lie...I was crushed. Distracted pretty much for the rest of the day. And when I actually picked up the paper from the office to read the disheartening comments scribbled in blue ink on my title page, it drove the wrench even further.
By about 7:30pm while I waited patiently in the freezing cold for the bus for nearly forty minutes, I noticed that I still felt the sting. Her feelings of disappointment started to manifest in me, and I almost went to town on a pity party. But, then I remembered the bigger picture.
While the comments from my professor initially felt discouraging, I realized that what I had before me was an opportunity to learn a lesson, and an opportunity to meet with my professor to strengthen a skill. She could have failed me, but instead she actually opened the door to an opportunity for me learn what I needed so I could perform at my best. What I heard beyond the harsh words of her response was that she was alerted by the fact that she felt that this paper didn't represent what she knows of me from class, and what she knows I am capable of. So, at the end of the day, I gathered up the pieces of my ego and scheduled a meeting with her for tomorrow.
* * *
This process can truly be a test of humility and pose a challenge to your self-confidence. Typically I might have taken this experience as an opportunity to reinforce feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt, but the growing me won't toy with that enemy today.
I read a friend's blog this evening and will borrow from her words of wisdom as my meditation for the evening:
"Get over your disappointment about what didn't happen the way you wanted it to and begin creating the life you want" - Sallomazing Hralima
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