Regrouping

In the past four months, I have not had one conversation that did not include mention of the words "Comprehensive Exams". When I reached the end of my second year, there was little time for celebration and little time to really take in the summer because anxiety began to loom about the beginning of this third year where I would have to sit before some questions and write my way into candidacy.

Three days after the first portion of this exam, I still feel a little numb. I laid down last night to sleep and still found myself rummaging through my mental files of semesters' worths of information that I'd memorized...needless to say, I'm still trying to recover.

So, let me back up and bring you into the world of what I just went through. If you recall, after the first year I took a seven day "Qualifying Exam" which essentially meant being sequestered in my home for a week straight pounding out answers to questions about all of the coursework I'd done over the first year. This year, I needed to supplement my first year knowledge with my second year course material, commit as much to memory as my body could endure, and then sit for three days, three hours per day, in front of a computer at school, with no books or access to any notes etc., and respond to questions. I prayed for months, I studied hard, my sister coached me, I participated in review sessions with my cohort member, I carried my books with me EVERYWHERE...I tried very hard to minimize anxiety in all ways I knew how...but as it got down to the wire, I fought hard to stay in the game.

As August approached, I was growing weary. I physically and mentally pushed my way through with everything I had; I spent hours in different libraries on campus, studied over chai tea at the local coffee shops, and began to fill up the walls of my home with notes written with colorful markers to keep me stimulated. But, as the days crept closer, I could feel my energy diminishing and I was growing increasingly...over it! There were points where I felt like I couldn't take it anymore; while I knew I studied, at a point, I wasn't even sure of what I knew anymore.

Some before me have described the importance of having a strong cohort and of how lonely a process this can feel at times; well, these were times when I truly understood the significance of both. My cohort member was, once again, the only person who had a true frame of reference for what I was going through. Everyone else knows that you're in some "process" for a "test", but their conversations with you about it can seem so distancing, because they just innocently have no idea.

More than a test, I definitely feel like this was a transformation point in this academic experience, but also in my life. At times, I asked myself: "Well, after two years, what is it that I really 'know'"? There were moments when memorizing material felt like the elementary school process and I didn't want to be in that space, so I challenged myself to really breathe the material, know it to a point where I was sharing it and not just repeating facts. Sometimes, and in some subjects I felt like I could do that, masterfully; other times, I felt more challenged.

I had to push myself with my writing. I think, secretly, this test meant more to me than proving myself to the professors who'd read it, but it was a personal rite of passage for a girl who had to come face-to-face with her own insecurities about writing, about her voice, about feeling validated in the things that she has to say. Let's just say, for a lot of reasons it felt like the pressure mounted. And so sometimes I cried. The feeling of uncertainty brought me to tears as I questioned being able to make it through. I cried before, during, and after. Am welling up with tears now as I connect myself back to those very moments, recognizing that even after the first part of the exam is over, I still feel vulnerable to this process, this experience.

Some describe these exams as all a part of "academic hazing"; I wouldn't disagree. After each day of the exam it took us a while to recover. Not always so much about the question, but sometimes just about the fact that our bodies and minds were stuck in a weird trance; caught in between trying to grasp the fact that this daunting exam was finally here and the fact that after each three hour session we had to dig deep into God's reserve to push through for the next one until it was finally over.

Each day, we found ourselves just sitting somewhere trying to gather our composure to push forward. By the last day, it was this weird feeling of not knowing how you did on particular sections and continuous pinching to connect with the reality that we finally made it through.

We prayed hard, we worked hard, we gave the test all we had. And now we wait. I definitely trust God, but there were times when my own belief and trust in self seemed to challenge my faith. Just keeping it real.

In the next couple of days, I'll receive an email with the final part of this exam process. In that email will be a series of questions about my special interest area that I will need to respond to and submit within 7 days. In the meantime, I'm taking one more research methods course and preparing to work on my dissertation proposal so I can keep going and prayerfully keep myself moving toward the real end of this academic process in a timely fashion.

I'm sure I have lots more to say, but really, I'm still processing.

In the meantime, I'm back and will be doing much better to keep you posted. Please keep me in prayer, as I will you.